Things I Never Said Until I Was a Parent

Every parent has those moments when they end up having to say something they never thought they would have to say. This is especially true of parents with younger kids who are still learning what they should and shouldn’t put in their mouths, how they should talk to people that they meet, and how to properly use Q-Tips. When my kids were younger, I started compiling a list of some of the odder things I ended up saying, with the idea that one day I would make a book out of them. Unfortunately, about ten years ago some other dad beat me to the punch and published a book with the exact same premise. Discouraged, I scrapped the project and since my kids were getting older and ignoring me more anyway, my new material was dwindling, so I was kind of getting stuck. But today, as I was cleaning up some files, I came across this list again and thought, “What the heck—this may never be published as a book, but I might as well get a blog post out of it.” So, without further ado, here are 175 Things I Never Said Until I Was a Parent…

1. Do not put that dinosaur in your bread.

2. Take that fork off your nose.

3. Don’t tickle the coleslaw.

4. Hold on a second—I need to clean the mashed potatoes off your brother’s sneakers.

5. Don’t pet the zucchini bowl.

6. That’s not a bad guy, that’s a grocery store clerk.

7. You don’t have to flush after you brush your teeth.

8. Take those cars out of your pants.

9. What are you apologizing to the lamp for?

10. Don’t tickle the salsa.

11. Stop trying to juggle the grapefruit.

12. Don’t suck your toe.

13. You don’t lay down on your sandwich.

14. Get your foot out of your brother’s mouth.

15. You’re probably going to have a tough time breathing with that snotty nose and that basketball in your mouth.

16. No, the smoke alarm does not have a snooze button.

17. Those are the only two nipples you have on your body.

18. You don’t have to be scared of grapes.

19. You don’t have to wipe your mouth after you pee.

20. No, you don’t have any friends who live at Best Buy.

21. Don’t make the straws intermingle.

22. Don’t let him suck your toes.

23. Stop punching the cheese.

24. Don’t run around with a box on your head.

25. Your beach ball is not going to get a sunburn.

26. Take the hamper off your head.

27. Don’t touch my fungus.

28. Did you just stab yourself in the eye with your cookie?

29. Get the dolphin out of the kitchen.

30. Those are not kidney beans, those are jellybeans.

31. Try not to strangle him while you’re kissing him.

32. It’s never acceptable to put cheese in your hair.

33. Stop watering your nipples.

34. Don’t grate the cheese with your fingers.

35. Try to avoid stepping on your brother’s head.

36. Did you slip on a waffle?

37. Don’t put my slipper in the dishwasher.

38. That’s an onion, not a bug.

39. How did you get banana under the wheels of your car?

40. Is there a letter in your pants?

41. Don’t taste the floor.

42. Don’t brush your face, brush your teeth.

43. Get your car out of my underwear.

44. Don’t draw on the cat.

45. Don’t punch the pizza.

46. Did you just put a waffle on my head?

47. Let me get the pasta out of your pants.

48. You’ve got Cheerios on your chest.

49. Why are you throwing a nose at me?

50. Don’t stick Batman up your nose.

51. Stop cuddling with the ranch dressing.

52. Stop hitting yourself in the head with the broom.

53. You’re eating an onion ring, not an earring.

54. Get your foot off my head.

55. I’d rather not sit down in the drool.

56. He doesn’t understand the blueberry.

57. Did you just say, “I love you” to your spoon?

58. Don’t lick my chair.

59. Cats don’t eat cheese sticks.

60. We don’t throw ninjas in the garbage.

61. You are not a crayon.

62. I don’t think it’s medically possible to have diarrhea in your armpits.

63. Are you collecting noses?

64. You can’t go to school naked.

65. You’re wreaking havoc on the alphabet.

66. Why don’t you want your brother to look at the oil and vinegar?

67. That’s not a toilet monster, it’s just a toilet.

68. No snakes in the mouth.

69. Hey, don’t try to force me to drink from your sippy cup.

70. Wipe your hands before you pee, so you don’t get ice cream on your penis.

71. Stop screaming at the spinach.

72. Don’t call me a Wheat Thin.

73. Get that shovel out of your brother’s eye.

74. Why must you put the tomatoes on your head?

75. Why would you want to kiss the whisk?

76. Ducks don’t eat paperclips.

77. SpongeBob cannot beat up Iron Man.

78. No head-butting the snow globe.

79. Let him control his own arm.

80. I’ve never heard of sweaty bread.

81. Why are you licking the couch?

82. I don’t want the lion on my head.

83. I don’t think the butter is stupid.

84. Get out of my ear.

85. If you high-five me in the stomach, it’s the same as hitting me.

86. Don’t touch other people’s donuts.

87. Get that alien out of your napkin.

88. That can of tuna is not a toy.

89. Get your foot out of the Cheerios.

90. Don’t order me to sleep with the dog.

91. We don’t eat metal triangles.

92. You can’t erase your belly button.

93. I’m not gluing eyes onto the table for you.

94. Why would I tape cards to your feet?

95. Get that dog’s face out of your mouth.

96. Those aren’t people, those are birds.

97. I’m not going to read you a book from 20 feet away.

98. Get the car out of his pants.

99. The flashlight does not go in the toilet.

100. There’s no bird poop in the jelly.

101. I would be embarrassed to have to take you to the doctor with your head stuck in a jar.

102. What do you mean, your butt feels like cinnamon?

103. Are you hiding from the honeydew?

104. Is the ball sad or are you sad?

105. There are no armpits in your ears.

106. Don’t eat the chair.

107. We pee more than once a day.

108. Get that spider monkey out of your shirt.

109. He’s trying to slam-dunk Elmo.

110. No more knife ball.

111. Why must you sit in the frozen corn?

112. You don’t blow your nose on binoculars.

113. Why is Iron Man in the napkins?

114. There’s no reason to scream at my elbow.

115. The word you’re trying to say is “predator” not “creditor.”

116. There’s no reason you need to look at somebody else’s throw-up.

117. No, even big butterflies can’t eat people.

118. His pants don’t look angry to me.

119. For the last time, I am not taping you to the wall.

120. Wolverine found his craft project.

121. Why are you angry at the chips?

122. Don’t stick toys up your dog’s butt.

123. Yeah, a talking pizza would make me nervous, too.

124. Don’t call your brother a nipple.

125. Don’t worry, there’s no such thing as a talking shirt.

126. I’m not putting Aquaman in your pants.

127. Poop is not a vegetable.

128. No, we shouldn’t call the vet for your brother.

129. We are not going to keep a duck in our garage.

130. Get your head off the toilet and listen to me.

131. I don’t care who you’re supposed to be, you don’t lick your brother.

132. You don’t put cheese in chocolate chip cookies.

133. Don’t use your brother as a bed.

134. Nobody puts underwear in the toaster oven.

135. Stop punching the water and wash your hands.

136. No more finger painting with the ranch dressing.

137. Why would I mail a duck?

138. Your brother’s head is not a toy.

139. What are you putting a helmet in your butt for?

140. Laundry detergent does not make a very good Christmas gift.

141. We don’t need a golf club to play football.

142. There’s no such thing as Lego poop.

143. Did you just call me an armpit?

144. There’s no such thing as a wall with nostrils.

145. Bears don’t have access to pillows.

146. Could you get your butt off my elbow, please?

147. Stop showing me your body parts and eat your dinner.

148. You’re not going to sleep with a cheese stick.

149. I’m not going to blow my nose on a telescope.

150. The chair isn’t evil, I’m pretty sure.

151. Cats don’t wear underwear.

152. I’m not going to tape Q-tips to your fingers.

153. Why do you have a wallet on your head?

154. Put down the sword and get into your jammies.

155. The landscapers don’t care how much milk you drink.

156. Stop waving at the wall and pay attention to your cantaloupe.

157. I want you to get into the habit of wiping your own butt.

158. I don’t think ducks really care about expiration dates.

159. Why don’t we start off with two pieces of toast and then we’ll see about the other 9,999,999,998.

160. Stop jumping on the couch and singing, “Barack Obama.”

161. Your shirt is not a weapon.

162. There’s a difference between bald and headless.

163. I’m not taking you to the hospital because you have ranch dressing on your thumb.

164. Don’t put a target on your butt.

165. There are no Dunkin’ Donuts in my ears.

166. Stop taping up your brother and talk to grandma.

167. Arizona is not the only state that has toilets.

168. You’re not using your brother as a test subject.

169. Grant writers don’t use caution tape.

170. I wasn’t expecting to get hit in the face with a penguin.

171. I don’t want to hear about your snot particles.

172. Do not make your orange sing, “Shake Your Booty.”

173. The TV doesn’t care about feeding the ducks.

174. Please take the Eggo box off your leg.

175. You’re going to ruin your shirt if you try to put an animal that big down there.