Hello, and welcome to the day after Thanksgiving! As your
body deals with the near-lethal combo of carbohydrates and tryptophan currently
coursing through your veins, I thought I would provide a public service to all my
readers. Yes, while yesterday I gave thanks, today I give advice, totally free
of charge. And you don’t even have to thank me until next Thanksgiving.
Today, of course, is Black Friday, the biggest shopping day of the year. Incredible discounts abound at retailers across the nation and you likely have your eye on more than a few deals to help you launch your holiday shopping spree. One must be careful, however, and not just jump into a day of this import willy-nilly. So I have some crucial advice on dealing with Black Friday that I would like to impart on you now. Before I get to the advice, however, let us assess what you will be dealing with.
Traffic – Driving to your shopping destination of choice—whether it be a mall, a Target, or a specialty boutique that sells gold-plaited underwear—can prove challenging. Everyone wants to get to their favorite retail outlet faster than the person driving next to them, on the off chance that the person driving next to them happens to be in the market for the same exact coveted item. Hence, on Black Friday, people drive with reckless abandon, their foot heavy on the gas pedal. Yellow lights are meaningless, right of way ignored, and speed limits not even considered as a friendly suggestion. Yes, driving on Black Friday can prove deadly.
Parking – Finding a parking spot within a two mile radius of your chosen store can prove challenging if not impossible. That guy who blew past you at 90 miles per hour on a side street is now trying to get his Ford F-150 into a parking space meant for a Smart Car and he will NOT be denied. Every row you drive down there will be at least four cars ahead of you vying for the first spot that opens up and if you are lucky enough to be in the right spot as someone is pulling out, there is an excellent chance someone will steal your spot from the opposite direction. When, after an hour of driving back and forth in every parking lane in your zip code, you finally do get a spot, taking that long walk to the store can prove treacherous as you are forced to dodge every car that is still manically searching for a spot. Yes, parking on Black Friday can prove deadly.
Shopping – Once you have made it into the store there is a 37.8% chance that you will be trampled, or at the very least have your foot stepped on, while working your way toward the aisle that sells the product you seek. Everyone seems to want the same thing that you want and on this day normally civilized individuals turn into cutthroat savages who will stop at nothing to obtain what they want. Pushing, shoving, kicking, and even the occasional knee to the groin are all in play when it comes to getting the newest PlayStation at 50% off of retail price. Looking for deals in the kitchenware section can prove particularly hazardous with all that cutlery lying around. Here is where “getting stabbed in the back” can go from figurative to literal in a hurry. Yes, shopping on Black Friday can prove deadly.
Paying – Assuming you managed to obtain the item you sought (or perhaps a lame replacement) you still have to pay for said item before leaving the store. The checkout lines will seem impossibly long. In fact, there is a good chance you will be standing on what you think is a checkout line, but is actually a line to the bathroom or simply just 16 people in a row who happen to moving in the same direction. If you do manage to get on an actual checkout line, after several hours, you may finally get to have an interaction with a cashier. The hope is that your credit or debit card will be accepted without any problem. The people behind you on line have been waiting just as long as you and they are restless. If something or someone in front of them is causing a delay in their being able to checkout, there is a good chance it could start a riot. And if the person right behind you just so happens to be coming from the cutlery section, well… Yes, paying on Black Friday can prove deadly.
So, now that I have set up all the things that you will be up against on Black Friday, I am finally able to dispense my crucial advice.
Stay home.
Today, of course, is Black Friday, the biggest shopping day of the year. Incredible discounts abound at retailers across the nation and you likely have your eye on more than a few deals to help you launch your holiday shopping spree. One must be careful, however, and not just jump into a day of this import willy-nilly. So I have some crucial advice on dealing with Black Friday that I would like to impart on you now. Before I get to the advice, however, let us assess what you will be dealing with.
Traffic – Driving to your shopping destination of choice—whether it be a mall, a Target, or a specialty boutique that sells gold-plaited underwear—can prove challenging. Everyone wants to get to their favorite retail outlet faster than the person driving next to them, on the off chance that the person driving next to them happens to be in the market for the same exact coveted item. Hence, on Black Friday, people drive with reckless abandon, their foot heavy on the gas pedal. Yellow lights are meaningless, right of way ignored, and speed limits not even considered as a friendly suggestion. Yes, driving on Black Friday can prove deadly.
Parking – Finding a parking spot within a two mile radius of your chosen store can prove challenging if not impossible. That guy who blew past you at 90 miles per hour on a side street is now trying to get his Ford F-150 into a parking space meant for a Smart Car and he will NOT be denied. Every row you drive down there will be at least four cars ahead of you vying for the first spot that opens up and if you are lucky enough to be in the right spot as someone is pulling out, there is an excellent chance someone will steal your spot from the opposite direction. When, after an hour of driving back and forth in every parking lane in your zip code, you finally do get a spot, taking that long walk to the store can prove treacherous as you are forced to dodge every car that is still manically searching for a spot. Yes, parking on Black Friday can prove deadly.
Shopping – Once you have made it into the store there is a 37.8% chance that you will be trampled, or at the very least have your foot stepped on, while working your way toward the aisle that sells the product you seek. Everyone seems to want the same thing that you want and on this day normally civilized individuals turn into cutthroat savages who will stop at nothing to obtain what they want. Pushing, shoving, kicking, and even the occasional knee to the groin are all in play when it comes to getting the newest PlayStation at 50% off of retail price. Looking for deals in the kitchenware section can prove particularly hazardous with all that cutlery lying around. Here is where “getting stabbed in the back” can go from figurative to literal in a hurry. Yes, shopping on Black Friday can prove deadly.
Paying – Assuming you managed to obtain the item you sought (or perhaps a lame replacement) you still have to pay for said item before leaving the store. The checkout lines will seem impossibly long. In fact, there is a good chance you will be standing on what you think is a checkout line, but is actually a line to the bathroom or simply just 16 people in a row who happen to moving in the same direction. If you do manage to get on an actual checkout line, after several hours, you may finally get to have an interaction with a cashier. The hope is that your credit or debit card will be accepted without any problem. The people behind you on line have been waiting just as long as you and they are restless. If something or someone in front of them is causing a delay in their being able to checkout, there is a good chance it could start a riot. And if the person right behind you just so happens to be coming from the cutlery section, well… Yes, paying on Black Friday can prove deadly.
So, now that I have set up all the things that you will be up against on Black Friday, I am finally able to dispense my crucial advice.
Stay home.
