There is a time and a place for everything. And more often
than not, one’s intrinsic appreciation of a thing is directly tied to whether
or not they are experiencing it in the time and place in which they are
expecting it. For example, if you go to a Def Leppard concert and it ends with
the song “Pour Some Sugar on Me,” you would probably be excited. If, on the
other hand, you went to a funeral and it ended with the same song, you may well
be upset. Similarly, if you go to the zoo and see a tiger—happy! If you go to
your hotel bathroom and see a tiger—terrified! (Just ask Zach Galifianakis.)
But of all the things that one might run into unexpectedly, the one that has vexed me the most over the course of a lifetime is moisture. Sure, moisture is great when you’re trying to improve the texture of your skin or the consistency of your homemade brownies, but when you stumble across it in most other situations it can be disappointing, unpleasant or downright horrifying.
Disappointing moisture- It’s early morning. You are sleeping peacefully. You don’t have to wake up for another 30 minutes. You turn your head on your pillow and your cheek is suddenly wet. Yes, you have just planted your face in a night’s worth of your own drool and now you are awake before you need to be. Welcome to the disappointment of morning saliva.
Unpleasant moisture- It’s time for lunch and you are going to make a sandwich. You grab the package of bread out of the pantry and toss it on the kitchen counter. You grab your supplies out of the fridge put them down and go back to the sack of bread, which is now somehow moist. Apparently the counter was wet without your realizing it and now the sack of bread is, too. It’s only the bottom of the bread that picked up the moisture, but—yuck. Guess it’s going to be a salad instead.
Downright horrifying moisture- You wake up (not from drool, but from natural causes) and start walking barefoot toward the living room. About eight steps later your left foot hits something wet and you slide, barely catching yourself before you fall. In the darkness you don’t know yet what you’ve just stepped in and panic quickly sets in. Is it a leak? A flood? Cat puke? A pool of blood? Your mind quickly plays tricks on you in the early morning darkness. You hop on your right foot to the nearest light switch and turn it on. Yup, it’s cat puke. This should come as no surprise.
There are countless other examples of times when you simply don’t want to feel moisture—when reaching into your pocket, when pulling on a pair of socks, when sitting on Santa’s lap, and so much more.
But don’t let the horror of unexpected moisture paralyze your daily life; just watch where you step, sit and place your hands. And per the advice of legendary sci-fi author Douglas Adams, always have a towel with you at all times.
But of all the things that one might run into unexpectedly, the one that has vexed me the most over the course of a lifetime is moisture. Sure, moisture is great when you’re trying to improve the texture of your skin or the consistency of your homemade brownies, but when you stumble across it in most other situations it can be disappointing, unpleasant or downright horrifying.
Disappointing moisture- It’s early morning. You are sleeping peacefully. You don’t have to wake up for another 30 minutes. You turn your head on your pillow and your cheek is suddenly wet. Yes, you have just planted your face in a night’s worth of your own drool and now you are awake before you need to be. Welcome to the disappointment of morning saliva.
Unpleasant moisture- It’s time for lunch and you are going to make a sandwich. You grab the package of bread out of the pantry and toss it on the kitchen counter. You grab your supplies out of the fridge put them down and go back to the sack of bread, which is now somehow moist. Apparently the counter was wet without your realizing it and now the sack of bread is, too. It’s only the bottom of the bread that picked up the moisture, but—yuck. Guess it’s going to be a salad instead.
Downright horrifying moisture- You wake up (not from drool, but from natural causes) and start walking barefoot toward the living room. About eight steps later your left foot hits something wet and you slide, barely catching yourself before you fall. In the darkness you don’t know yet what you’ve just stepped in and panic quickly sets in. Is it a leak? A flood? Cat puke? A pool of blood? Your mind quickly plays tricks on you in the early morning darkness. You hop on your right foot to the nearest light switch and turn it on. Yup, it’s cat puke. This should come as no surprise.
There are countless other examples of times when you simply don’t want to feel moisture—when reaching into your pocket, when pulling on a pair of socks, when sitting on Santa’s lap, and so much more.
But don’t let the horror of unexpected moisture paralyze your daily life; just watch where you step, sit and place your hands. And per the advice of legendary sci-fi author Douglas Adams, always have a towel with you at all times.
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