Monday, February 6, 2017

51 Musings About Super Bowl LI

Now that the Super Bowl is yesterday’s news, here are a few musings from one of the more than 100,000,000 viewers. Well, more than a few musings—51 to be exact…

1. Former President George H.W. Bush sure likes to smile. Honestly, if I could open my eyes, let alone smile at age 92, I’d be satisfied.

2. Coins are really a relic of the past. I think they should flip a debit card from now on.

3. Before the game started I noticed that Matt Ryan had a big red mark on his forehead, presumably from his helmet. He might want to talk to the equipment manager about getting better padding on the helmet, or to the trainer about getting a cream he could rub on his head, because it looks unsightly.

4. Note to FOX: Considering the costume Scarlett Johansson wears in the movie Ghost in the Shell essentially makes her look naked, you might want to consider putting that trailer on at the END of the Super Bowl after kids have gone to bed, as opposed to at the very beginning, when their young little minds are attentive and ready for warping.

5. The Falcons running backs are FAST! Or at least they are for about two-and-a-half quarters.

6. Tom Brady has very impressive teeth.

7. I very much enjoyed watching Tom Brady get sacked repeatedly.

8. I like the fact that Arthur Blank, who gives off the vibe of being a sweet older gentleman, dresses up like a 1920s gangster.

9. Two pizzas, three family-sized bags of potato chips, a bag of tortilla chips, a jar of salsa, a relish tray, 20 cocktail shrimp, six chocolate cream puffs and a box of chocolate-covered pretzels is overkill for a family of four.

10. My favorite commercial was the talking celebrity yearbook photos, but if you told me before the game I would really enjoy a commercial with talking celebrity yearbook photos, I would have thought you belonged in a loony bin.

11. Robert Alford seemed so casual by the end of his 82-yard interception return, I thought he was going to lie down at the one yard line and take a quick nap before going into the end zone.

12. No matter the game situation, Bill Belichick always looks like he has gas pains.

13. The way he’s able to keep his toes inbounds on every ridiculously difficult sideline catch, I think Julio Jones may have a career in ballet when he’s done with this whole football thing.

14.  I think Rob Gronkowski and Stephen Gostkowski should open up a law firm together. I’d call every day just to see how the receptionist answers the phone.

15. When Julian Edelman kept on not quite getting to those passes in the first half I wondered if his giant bushy beard was slowing him down.

16. My 7-year-old son is a bit of a frontrunner. Before the game started he said he was going to root for the Patriots. When it became 21 – 0 he said, “I’m going to start rooting for the Falcons now.” That didn’t turn out so well for him.

17. I’m torn between finding that whole Terry Bradshaw shirt stain gimmick incredibly amusing or incredibly annoying.

18. It turns out that if you shut off your television at halftime, you mercifully don’t have to sit through Lady Gaga’s show.

19. My favorite moment of the game by far was seeing Dwight Freeney and Martellus Bennett’s helmets stuck together like two reindeer locking antlers.

20. At the point at which the score was 28 – 3 in the third quarter, and the outcome seemed like a foregone conclusion, I briefly considered turning off the game and watching Netflix instead, but then I thought it would be fun seeing the Falcons’ reaction to their first ever Super Bowl win, so I kept it on.

21. I wish I’d turned off the game when it was 28 – 3 in the third quarter and watched Netflix instead.

22. I don’t know much about Falcons coach, Dan Quinn, but he sure looks like he would be fun at parties. I might invite him to this year’s seder.

23. At the point at which Stephen Gostkowski booted the extra point off the upright to keep the score at 28 – 9 instead of 28 – 10, I thought, “Ha, ha! They can’t do anything right, today!”

24. The five-second The Walking Dead ad showing Negan’s barbed wire bat thudding to the ground got me more pumped up than any play in the entire game.

25. Speaking of The Walking Dead, it seems appropriate that that show is filmed in Atlanta, because I’m sure the day after the Super Bowl most of its residents were walking around like zombies.

26. I’m pretty sure the catch Julian Edelman made with the ball bobbling around one inch off the ground was all CGI. I mean that’s not possible, is it?

27. It wasn’t until the score became 28 – 20 that I suddenly said, “Oh crap.”

28. It’s always nice seeing Jon Lovitz, even if it is only subliminally.

29. We had salsa, but I really wish we had guacamole.

30. As the Patriots methodically made their comeback it suddenly occurred to me that spotting the Falcons 25 points to give them a false sense of security might actually have been Belichick’s game plan.

31. The deer-in-the-headlights expression on Tom Brady’s face in the first half, gradually switched over to Matt Ryan’s face in the second half. Someone should do a cool time-lapse photography series to document this.

32. I’m generally into sci-fi and horror TV shows, but the ad for this new series Legion that showed the baby with the freaky blue glowing eyes did not appeal to me—it just gave me the heebie-jeebies.

33. The way that Tevin Coleman was laying on the ground after he injured his ankle, I thought they were going to have to put a chalk outline around the poor man.

34. If you had told me before the game that James White would score three touchdowns, a two-point conversion, get 139 total yards and set the Super Bowl record for receptions with 14, I would likely have said, “Which team does he play for?”

35. At some point either Troy Aikman or Joe Buck (I couldn’t tell which) tried to make a lame joke about the Falcons epic collapse by saying “Houston, we have a problem.” I almost got the sense that some “clever” producer handed him that line because of the half-hearted way in which he mumbled it.

36. When Danny Amendola scored the two-point conversion to tie the game at 28 with 57 seconds left in the game, I knew there was no way in hell the Falcons were going to win at that point.

37. Despite the agony of watching Amendola make that conversion, I have to admit I like saying, “Amendola.” Sort of rolls right off the tongue.

38. When the Falcons got the ball back with less than a minute to go, I suddenly wished it was the Packers in this situation, because you know Aaron Rodgers would have hauled off a 60-yard Hail Mary to win the game as time expired.

39. I thought it was interesting that for the overtime coin toss three Patriots came out, but only Matt Ryan came out for the Falcons. Were the rest of his teammates weeping on the sidelines?

40. And when the Falcons lost the toss, I really think Ryan should have asked the ref if they could do best two out of three.

41. Watching Tom Brady operate in overtime was like watching a skilled neurosurgeon slice into a brain—completely nauseating.

42. By the end of the game Brady had thrown the ball a record 62 times! To put that in perspective, in Super Bowl VII in 1974, Bob Griese threw the ball a grand total of 7 times in his Dolphins 24 – 7 win over the Vikings. Oh how times have changed.

43. Chris Myers’ feeble attempt at getting an interview with Brady in the crush of reporters right after the game made me realize he would not be very good in a mosh pit.

44. I noticed during the celebration that the confetti was shaped Lombardi Trophy. Must have taken somebody a long time to cut all of those out.

45. As they showed the Falcons players walking off the field, it occurred to me that their team doctor better place an order for several metric tons of Prozac.

46. Scrolling through Twitter I noticed lots of people calling Brady a GOAT, which made no sense to me until the next morning when I suddenly realized this was an acronym for Greatest Of All Time.

47. And after his performance, Brady may indeed be the GOAT. In fact, I’d argue that they should just put him in the Hall of Fame right now and waive the whole wait for five years after your retirement routine.

48. My 10-year-old son was mortified by all the communicable disease possibilities presented by all those guys kissing the same trophy.

49. Did anyone else notice how Roger Goodell practically sprinted off the stage the moment he handed Robert Craft the Super Bowl trophy? Guess the comish wasn’t invited to the Pat’s after party.

50. Speaking of after parties I’d be curious to see how Bill Belichick is at one of those. Does he sit in a corner taking notes the whole time or does he drop his pants and dance on the bar like no one’s watching?

51. Early prediction for Super Bowl LII: Cleveland Browns 6, Chicago Bears 3.