Sunday, April 19, 2015

My Presidential Platform

As various politicians on both sides of the aisle have begun to announce their candidacy for president, it occurs to me that if I’m going to take a run at the White House in 2016, I better say something sooner rather than later. I mean, I don’t want to be left in Hillary Clinton’s and Rand Paul’s dust, if for no other reason than it would wreak havoc on my sinuses.

The truth is that at 45, I feel I have finally reached the age at which a presidential run is realistic. (Yes, I know that technically one can run for president at 35, but that would mean in about four months Macaulay Culkin could file his paperwork to run for president, and does that seem in any way prudent?) If I were to run for president, I would be sworn in when I was 47 years and 126 days old, which would make me the fifth youngest president of all time. And of the four elected at a younger age, two (John F. Kennedy and Ulysses S. Grant) ended up having their faces put on money, one (Theodore Roosevelt) ended up having his face put on Mount Rushmore, and one (Bill Clinton) ended up having his face put on the cover of the National Enquirer. So…um…my point is that for the most part, younger presidents seem to be revered once they leave office.

But perhaps it’s too soon to ponder my post-presidential legacy when I haven’t even gotten my party’s nomination yet. Of course this begs the question of which party’s nomination I’m hoping to obtain. I have to be realistic here and concede that I have little chance of becoming the nominee for the major (or even minor) political parties, considering that the front-runners for those tickets have millions of supporters and I have less than 400 Facebook friends. It seems that my best chance of being nominated is to start my own political party, which will be called the Ampersand Party. This party is so named because we believe that the ampersand (&) should always be used instead of the word “and” in order to save space in written documents. It is estimated that just by using that simple substitution, more than 500,000 milligrams of ink will be saved over the next ten decades. Indeed, from this point forward I & all of my constituents will employ this tactic.

Of course, using an ampersand to conserve precious ink is not the only component of my presidential platform. It would be ridiculous to run on the strength of only one issue, so let me lay out my five-point plan:

1 – The Proliferation of the Ampersand: I have already discussed this concept above & do not feel the need to waste more vital ink on this topic.

2 – Free Donut Fridays: I & my staff will work diligently with the CEOs of Dunkin’ Donuts, Krispy Kreme, & Winchell’s Donut House to ensure that all Americans can get unlimited free donuts every Friday. This may require subsidizing the donut industry to account for the weekly losses, but this is a hard choice I am willing to make.

3 – No Advertisements before Online Movie Trailers: A movie trailer is essentially an advertisement. When you click on a movie trailer online what you are saying is, “I am willing to watch this advertisement.” It makes no sense that prior to watching an advertisement you are willing to watch, you are forced to sit through one you are not interested in—say for heartburn medication or carpet deodorant. One of the first orders of business of my administration will be to work with the FCC to stop this barbaric practice.

4 – Unification of the Designated Hitter Rule: Let’s face it, the fact that the American League uses a DH & the National League does not is nonsensical. This anomaly has been going on for 42 years now with no end in sight. & the truth is, nobody likes watching a pitcher hit—it’s downright painful. This travesty needs to be rectified posthaste. & since the President has no real jurisdiction over Major League Baseball (MLB), I’m going to be obliged to turn the MLB into an executive branch of the government. Easy-peasy.

5 – Mandatory Life Imprisonment for People Who Spell the Word “Grammar” as “Grammer”: I think this one is pretty self-explanatory.

Now that I have clearly laid out my presidential platform, I can hit the campaign trail & share my views with the American public. After the masses have had to endure countless stump speeches about education, immigration, & foreign policy, I’m sure that my views will be a breath of fresh air & will almost certainly lead to a presidential vicory. Maybe the United States Mint should start working on the template to put my face on the thirteen-cent piece now.

Me standing on the shores of the Potomac River across from the Jefferson Memorial, about 1.2 miles from the White House-- my new home as of January 20, 2017.