My Lockdown Hobbies

About one month into lockdown I feel comfortable that my sanity is in a good place and my risk of going all “Shining” on my family is at a minimum. (This is helped by the fact that we live in a modest three-bedroom house and there is no Room 237.) I’ve found that one of the keys to maintaining a sound state of mind while sheltering in place is adopting some new hobbies.

Listening to classical music is not new to me, but the regularity with which I am doing it is. Somehow, given the gravity of the situation we now find ourselves in, classical music seems like the most appropriate soundtrack. Every day now I give myself a large daily dose of Mozart, Beethoven, Bach, and the rest of those wig-wearing virtuosos. I particularly like Pachelbel, because if you say his name fast it sounds like you’re saying “Taco Bell” and I enjoy their sauce packets.

Another new hobby that has taken root for me is walking. Of course, I used to walk before the lockdown, but that was a purely utilitarian activity just to get from Point A to Point B. Now I do a specific walk every day—one full circuit around my block that takes me a little over six minutes. It may not sound like much, but of course, I have the added challenge of having to stay at least six feet away from anyone I come across. I come across no one, though, except for one time when I saw a guy coming out of his garage, so I hissed at him and ran away.

There is one hobby I have taken up, though, that has been particularly rewarding, because I can see daily progress. As with any endeavor, when you really put in the work and you can see yourself making significant strides, you feel a real sense of accomplishment. I am, of course, talking about growing facial hair. For the past three weeks I have made a concerted effort to not run a razor across my face. Every day, after I brush my teeth, I look at my razor and shaving cream and actively turn away. And every morning when I get up and look in the bathroom mirror, I see progress being made. At the two week and three day mark I hit a significant milestone when I finally went past the stubble and scruff phases and hit the full-on beard phase. I considered this a major accomplishment since the last time I had a full-on beard was 22 years ago. (For a scintillating account of the history of my facial hair growth, read this blog I wrote in 2013.)

While my beard growing has been seemingly successful, I must report that this particular hobby is not getting universal praise from the rest of the folks on lockdown in this household. While my older son really seems to like this new look (I get the vibe that he thinks the facial hair makes his dad look like less of a man-child) my wife and younger son have been vocal critics. And while the various barbs about my beard being hurled my way by my younger son don’t really bother me (another hobby I’ve taken up over the past month is completely tuning out my kids so I can get work done) the fact that my wife has disdain for my face fuzz is a bit of a concern. After all, she fell in love with a clean shaven gent and now she finds herself cohabitating with a caveman. So, in an effort to keep the peace and avoid my wife being the one to go “Shining” on the rest of us, I’ll probably shave off the beard in the next few days and take up a new hobby. I hear collecting toilet paper is quite popular these days. Maybe I’ll look into that.

Toilet Paper Math

Exactly one week ago I started noticing the various news articles and social media posts about the sudden run on toilet paper that was leading to a shortage of this valuable commodity. It seemed ridiculous at the time, but it also occurred to me that if enough people panic-purchased toilet paper, there would be none left for the non-panicked types like me. And that thought caused a minor panic.

I decided to take a quick inventory of our toilet paper rolls, both active and on deck. We had eight rolls, so we weren’t in imminent need of the stuff. Still, I thought perhaps I should pick up an extra package just to be safe. So the next morning I took a detour on the way to work and stopped at our local Fry’s.

Upon entering Fry’s at about 7:25 A.M. on Wednesday, March 11, 2020, everything looked pretty normal. There weren’t very many customers at this hour and the shelves seemed well-stocked. I decided to pick up a couple of other things we needed on my way to the paper goods aisle. I grabbed bananas, soup, and Ritz crackers (a.k.a. breakfast, lunch, and dinner) and headed toward the back of the store. I turned the corner of my targeted aisle and came upon an interesting scene.

The rows of shelves that are normally happily occupied by a wide variety of toilet paper brands were nearly empty. There were maybe four or five packages left, spread out throughout the shelves. But there was a much larger amount of toilet paper—maybe eight or nine packages— in the shopping cart of a woman in her early 30s standing in front of these sparse shelves. She was having a heated conversation with a woman about twice her age who was holding one package of toilet paper.

Non-hoarder: You know there’s really no need to panic. If everyone just bought the normal amount of toilet paper, we would all have what we need.

Hoarder: I’m not panicking. I just had four rolls of toilet paper at home, so I needed to get more. (Apparently she wanted this woman to believe that she normally buys 60 to 70 rolls of toilet paper at a clip.)

At this point, I quietly slid behind the hoarder to grab a six-pack of Quilted Northern. On a whim, I decided that while I was in this aisle I might as well grab a pack of tissues and paper towels, even though there was still an abundance of those items on the shelves. I grabbed my packs of paper goods and quickly left the aisle, as I was in no way interested in sticking around to see if this TP-argument escalated into a TP-melee.

That was Wednesday. By Friday, of course, everything had changed, as the grocery stores were now entering zombie apocalypse territory. When I went to the store on Friday, I had intended to pick up only a couple of items, but the moment I saw the barren look of all the shelves and the desperate look of all the shoppers, I realized it was in the best interest of the Schwartzberg household for me to pick up anything I could get my hands on that was remotely edible. As I weaved my way through the panicked shoppers I decided to take a peak down the paper goods aisle. We didn’t need any toilet paper, but I was just curious. There was nothing down that aisle.  No toilet paper, no paper towels, no tissues, no napkins. Just empty shelves and a lone tumbleweed.

In the days following this anxiety-inducing shopping excursion I went to a variety of stores to see about the availability of toilet paper, because it occured to me that one day my family will run out. On Saturday I went to Safeway, CVS, and Walgreens, with no luck. On Sunday I went to Fry’s, Target, and Big Lots with no luck. Out of desperation, I decided to check out the 99-cent store, figuring that even though their toilet paper might have visible tree bark in it, it was better than using a wool mitten. But they were empty, as well. The next morning I went to the opposite end of the spectrum and tried Whole Foods—but alas, no toilet paper, vegan or otherwise.

So now it’s down to math. There are currently 14 rolls of toilet paper in our household, with two already started. Each unstarted roll contains 308 sheets of toilet paper. Let’s assume that the two started rolls are about half done, constituting about one roll combined. That means we currently have 13 x 308 = 4,004 sheets of toilet paper. If each person in the household is allotted eight sheets per day, we would need 4 x 8 = 32 sheets daily. With 4,004 sheets available, it would take us just about 125 days before we ran out, or about four months. Of course, if we decrease our intake of fruits and vegetables, and increase our intake of hard cheese and pound cake, we could probably last for an additional month, but that might lead to other issues. In either case, I’m hopeful that our current supply outlasts the great Toilet Paper Famine of 2020.

Now if only we could wash our hands.

To E or Not to E...

I have been a bibliophile my entire life. For those of you who are not quite sure what that means, don’t worry, I didn’t just make some scandalous admission that might land me in jail; it just means that I love books. I love the feel of a book in my hands, the sound of the pages turning, the smell of the paper, and of course, the words contained within.

I have been a book lover for as long as I can remember—a habit handed down to me from my mother who used to bring me to our local library every three weeks to get a new hoard of books. I sometimes imagined that when the librarian saw me and my mom coming, she quickly had to make a phone call to ensure the shelves would be restocked when we left, because she knew we were about to wipe the place clean of everything from Dr. Seuss to Agatha Christie. We arrived with shopping bags and left with them so chock full of books that our arms were sore just walking from the library to the car, 40 feet away.

Even when I stopped going to the library with my mom, my love for books persisted. I naturally became an English Literature major, because when I found out there was a major where pretty much all you had to do was read books, write about books, and talk about books, I said “Sign me up!” The first time I set foot in NYU’s 12-story high, 3.3 million volume, Bobst Library, I was as giddy as Burgess Meredith at the end of the Twilight Zone episode “Time Enough at Last.” I wanted to run into the stacks, throw books in the air and yell, “There’s time now!” But I saw the burly security guard and contained myself.

Yes, books have always been powerfully important objects for me. I grew up in a household that had many bookcases with hundreds of volumes on the shelves and when I eventually moved out on my own, these sacred objects played a prominent part of my home décor. They may take up a lot of space, but their worth goes well beyond the space they inhabit.

So, in the past couple of decades, when electronic book devices started to emerge, I mocked their very existence and swore I would never read a book not made out of paper.  It seemed blasphemous to me to read a book on a screen rather than on a printed page. The very concept of an e-book made me cringe. “You can take your Nook and shove it up your…um…nook!” was my attitude.

As e-readers evolved they, of course, started being used for things other than reading books. Just like phones have ceased to be for talking and are now for a thousand other things, so too have e-readers evolved into mini-computers. A few years ago I ended up getting a Kindle—not for reading books, but for playing games. Mostly I use my Kindle to play Scrabble and sometimes for looking things up on Wikipedia or the iMDB, if I’m too lazy to walk over to my computer. But never, NEVER for reading books! That kind of heresy, I would not be a part of.

Of course, I know many reasonable and intelligent people who swear by e-books. They tell me it’s very convenient to carry around, much lighter than a regular book, and much better for the environment, since no trees are harmed in the making of an e-book. “Sure, that may all be true, but it’s still not the same experience as a REAL book,” I inevitably tell them (and myself.)

So I continue to get my books from the library, although now accompanied by my 10-year-old son, who is even more of a bibliophile than I. Of course, getting your books from the library is sometimes a crapshoot, as a particular book you’re looking for may be checked out or simply not one they have. More often than not in these situations, I just look for a different book. Hey, I’m an easy going guy, so as long as a book has a bunch of words strung together that I enjoy, I’m satisfied. But if you belong to a book club, that won’t cut it.

A little over a year ago a friend invited me to join his book club and I readily agreed for two primary reasons: 1) I thought this would be a good chance to read some books I wouldn’t have otherwise thought to pick up, and 2) I pretty much never went anywhere other than work and home, so I thought this would be a good excuse to get out of the house and socialize once a month. Turns out I was right on both counts!

The book club consists of about eight to ten members, but for any given session there are about four or five attendees. It has been great getting to know the guys and reading the eclectic mix of books being suggested. One thing that has become crystal clear, though, is that I am the only dinosaur still getting his books from the library. Most of the other club members are using e-books or audio books, while I still cling to my precious print editions.

As with most book clubs, in ours, a different member picks the book each month and February was my turn. I went with a book I’ve wanted to read for the past few years called Station Eleven by Emily St. John Mandel. It is a post-apocalyptic book about a group of traveling actors and musicians performing for small groups of survivors after a deadly flu wiped out most of the human race. (Note: I settled on this book about two days before news of the corona virus broke, so I think I’ve successfully unnerved my fellow book club members.)

As soon as I made this month’s book club selection official, I jumped onto the Chandler Public Library website to reserve a copy, but it turned out all three copies in their system were checked out, so I placed a hold on it. The copy that should have been available the soonest was due back on Wednesday, February 5^th, which I figured would give me plenty of time to finish it before our book club meeting on the 26^th of the month. But lo and behold, I did not get a notice from the library that the book was available on Thursday, February 6^th or Friday, February 7^th. So, on Saturday, February 8^th, when I took my son to the library on our regular visit, I took up the situation with the librarian.

Me: Hello Mr. Librarian, I wonder if you could help me. I placed a book on hold that was due back on Wednesday and I still haven’t been notified yet. I’m wondering if there’s a lag time between when it gets returned and when I get notified and I’m just in some grey zone at the moment.

Him: Let me get your library card and I’ll check it out.

Me: (Very carefully handing him the most prized possession in my wallet.) Here you go.

Him: (Hits some keys on his end.) I see what you mean. They haven’t returned the book yet. It is available as an electronic book, if you would like to check it out that way.

Me: Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhh… I don’t do electronic books. I prefer to have the actual book.

Him: (Shrugs his shoulders and smiles.) Okay. I understand. You’ll be notified when it’s available.

Frustrated, I found my son in the young adults section cramming volume upon volume into the black canvas bag hanging from his shoulder. A few minutes later we checked out—him with a dozen books and me with nothing. When we got home I stared at my Kindle and found myself having an epic internal argument.

Me 1: Don’t even look at that Kindle unless you are planning on playing Scrabble. You are not succumbing to the evils of the e-book.

Me 2: What’s the harm in doing it just this once? You have to read this book—you’re the one who suggested it.

Me 1: Maybe whoever has it will return it later on today and I’ll be able to pick it up tomorrow.

Me 2: Yes, or maybe the person who has it has fled the country with it, because they’re the head of a stolen library book cartel. They’re already three days overdue on their book, so you know they’re an outlaw anyway, so who knows what they’re capable of?

Me 1: But an e-book? An E-BOOK??? How can I forsake the printed page this way? It’s against everything I stand for, I tells ya!

Me 2: Wake up, man! Everyone is reading on electronic devices these days! Just take the plunge, already. The words will be the same if they’re on a screen or on paper. Step into the 21^st century, friend.

Me 1: Fine, I’ll do it just this once. But if this leads to listening to music on MP3 players and taking Ubers instead of taxis, I’ll never forgive you.

So I did it. I downloaded my very first e-book, ironically enough about a society that has no electricity and therefore, no e-books. I started reading very tentatively, afraid that my conscience would explode at any second. But my conscience didn’t explode and the reading of the book on this lightweight device was annoyingly convenient. I found myself reading this book much more quickly than usual—whether it was because the book was so good, or the way I was reading it was so easy, I could not tell.

When I had about 50 pages to go in the book I finally got the notice from the library that the hard copy version I put on hold was available. Now what? Do I ditch the e-book and read the last little bit from the hard copy? I was taking my son to the library the next day, anyway, so I checked out the hard copy and put it on my nightstand. That night I got into bed and looked back and forth between my Kindle and the physical book right next to it. I was very close to finished with the book and knew that I would be done with it within a half hour. I finally picked up the Kindle and opened it up as a tear slowly trickled down my cheek.

I would finish this one e-book, just this once and never get another one—it’s hard copies from here on out. At least that’s what “Me 1” told myself, as “Me 2” quietly snickered in the background.

Neil Peart: Suddenly You Were Gone

Yesterday afternoon, at 2:26, I was working from home. I was on a deadline and waiting for materials from a coworker. I felt my phone vibrate its distinct incoming text message vibration. In my mind the chances were—30% work related, 70% spam text. I hate spam texts and I get them constantly. I hate getting them so much, I often don’t even bother looking at my phone right away when I feel it vibrate. But in this case, I was waiting on info regarding my work deadline, so I took a look right away. The text read:

“Dude. Neil Peart died.”

Never before had I so wished I had received a spam text.

I sat looking at the text from my good friend, Bill. I had no idea how to respond. He texted again saying he had read it on rollingstone.com. Then he texted again:

“I would never have gotten into Rush without you turning me on to them. What a tragic loss. I’m bummed.”

I stared at my phone screen, disbelieving. I was in denial. My rational brain knew it must be true, but I held out hope that it was some rumor gone bad or a cruel hoax. I quickly logged on to Twitter where I am connected to the official Rush band page, dozens of fan pages, and over a hundred other diehard Rush fans. As soon as I logged on I saw the tweet from Rolling Stone:

“Rush’s Neil Peart, the Hall of Fame drummer who set a new standard for rock virtuosity, has died at 67.”

It was true.

I clicked on the link to the article and read that he had been battling brain cancer for three-and-a-half years. Nobody outside of his inner circle knew. He was a very private man, so this was not all that surprising. The death, of course, was a surprise, but the fact that he kept his illness hidden was not. I could not bring myself to read past the first paragraph. I finally texted Bill back:

“Thank you for letting me know. My day is ruined.”

At this point my wife was walking by and, unable to speak, I just pointed to my computer screen with the headline on it. She looked and gasped, “Oh no!” She scanned the first paragraph of the article then asked me if my friend Roger had posted anything yet. Roger is a muckety muck at SiriusXM, a drummer, and a longtime Rush fan. I told her that I was on a deadline and had not been on Facebook, so I hadn’t seen anything from him. Moments later my phone vibrated…it was Roger. He wrote:

“Andrew…not sure u know…Very sad news that Neil Peart has passed away. I am devastated.”

I told him I knew and I too, was devastated. I refocused on my work. Five minutes later my phone vibrated again. Really, I’m not usually this popular. This time it was my friend Chris texting me the news with a sad face emoji. Chris has a significant place in my Rush life, as I went with him to my first Rush concert back in 1986. We exchanged texts of commiseration. I yet again refocused on my work. Five minutes later my phone rang and I saw that it was my friend Ken.

Ken has the distinction of being the person I have seen the most concerts with and talked the most Rush with over my lifetime. When I saw his name on my phone I debated not answering for two reasons: 1) I had this damn deadline! 2) I wasn’t sure I could compose myself. I answered the phone with, “I know.”

For the next few minutes he did most of the talking, while I struggled to say a word or two here or there without losing it. He soon realized I was in pain and said, “Look at it this way, Drew—we got to see them play in Canada! How cool is that?”

He was right, it was extremely cool. In June of 1997 I flew from Arizona to New York. On the 25^th of that month I went with Ken to see Rush in New York at Jones Beach. Then, a few days later we made the eight hour drive to Toronto to fulfill a lifelong dream of seeing Rush live in their hometown. It was an incredible experience. On the phone, back in 2020, I mumbled my agreement about the coolness of that experience.

Then he said, “And we actually got our wives into Rush! How cool is that?”

That was pretty darn cool, too. It is well-documented that there are not a lot of female Rush fans. Certainly there are some that are very hardcore, but the reality is that the vast majority of Rush fans have a Y chromosome. That I have been able to turn my wife on to Rush has been awesome. Sharing your favorite music with the person you love most is a blessing. So again, I mumbled my agreement.

Choking back my emotions, I told Ken I had to get back to my deadline, which was true. I got off the phone and concentrated on the work in front of me. Fortunately, I had gotten the materials I needed from my coworker and he had done an excellent job, making things easy for me. In less than half an hour I was finished with my assignment and the deadline was met. I decided to look at Facebook and saw dozens of my friends posting about their grief at the loss of The Professor.

As I scrolled through the posts, some from friends I knew were Rush fans, others from friends whose Rush love I was previously unaware of, I came across one post that stopped me in my tracks. It was a tribute to Neil from my friend Vic, who played the most pivotal role in my connection to Rush…by making me aware that they existed!

Vic and I were not close friends—really just high school acquaintances. But we were in a play together in 1984 and one day, while we were in the music room waiting for our rehearsal to start, he sat down at the piano and started playing a song. The opening chords piqued my interest immediately and I walked over and asked what it was.

“It’s ‘Subdivisions’ by Rush,” he said.

“Who are they?” I asked, intrigued.

“They’re an incredible band. The album is Signals. You have to get it,” he said.

And I did get it that weekend. I came home, plugged in my headphones, put the needle on the vinyl and listened. There were the distinctive opening chords on the song Vic had played, soon followed by these lyrics:

Sprawling on the fringes of the city
In geometric order
An insulated border
In between the bright lights
And the far unlit unknown

Growing up it all seems so one-sided
Opinions all provided
The future pre-decided
Detached and subdivided
In the mass production zone
Nowhere is the dreamer or the misfit so alone

Subdivisions-
In the high school halls
In the shopping malls
Conform or be cast out
Subdivisions-
In the basement bars
In the backs of cars
Be cool or be cast out…

I was a geeky 15-year-old kid. I had friends, but still felt like an awkward outcast, as many kids at that age do.  I was a very literary kid and loved well-written song lyrics, but never had I heard lyrics that connected with me this deeply matched with music of such virtuosity. I listened to the entire album enthralled. Then I listened again. I couldn’t stop listening, in fact.

Soon I bought more Rush albums and they quickly became my favorite band. I bought posters, magazines, buttons—anything I could get my hands on that was Rush-related. I learned all about the three band members: singer/bassist, Geddy Lee, guitarist, Alex Lifeson, and drummer/lyricist Neil Peart.

I had a huge appreciation for all three men, but the one who I found most compelling was Neil Peart. It was clear that his drumming skills were unbelievable. The fullness and complexity of what he was doing with his drum kit was matched by no one. But really all three players were amazing at their instruments. The thing that fascinated me most about Neil, though, was the lyrics. Nobody wrote lyrics that were so simultaneously intellectual and heartfelt. Who else uses the word “geometric” in their lyrics and manages to pull it off??? The man was a poet.

Since hearing of his death, Neil’s lyrics keep on going through my head. Upon first learning of the news, I thought:

Suddenly you were gone, from all the lives you left your mark upon – “Afterimage”

As I continued to process how I felt about it, I thought:

When I heard that he was gone, I felt a shadow cross my heart. – “Nobody’s Hero”

When I considered the legacy he would leave, I thought:

The measure of a life is a measure of love and respect. – “The Garden”

And when I thought about Neil’s relationship with his fans, I thought:

I can’t pretend a stranger is a long awaited friend. – “Limelight”

As mentioned previously, Neil Peart was a very private man. Unlike Geddy and Alex, who are happy to mingle with fans, Neil has always kept his admirers at arm’s length. Last night, in honor of Neil’s passing, I pulled out my DVD of the Rush documentary, Beyond the Lighted Stage for my wife and I to watch. I knew there was a lot of interview footage of Neil, and I wanted to hear from the man firsthand. At one point he addresses his distance from his fans by saying, “I’m not a sourpuss, I’m just shy.” And I can relate. If ever achieved fame, I think I might be similarly embarrassed by the attention that comes with it and avoid interactions with fans for that reason.

Yet for all his shyness and his avoidance of interaction with the public, in some ways I think Neil Peart was the most accessible of the band members. He put himself out there for the world to see through his lyrics of hundreds of songs and the eight books he wrote about his various travels. His writing was earnest and forthright and painted a picture of a deep thinker with a strong moral compass who was hopeful that man’s better nature would win out. In “Closer to the Heart,” one of Rush’s most iconic songs, he wrote:

And the men who hold high places
Must be the ones who start
To mold a new reality
Closer to the heart

An excellent sentiment, indeed—especially for the times in which we currently live.

So I may not have known Neil personally, but I still feel like I knew him quite well. His words will live on, his music will live on, and for the moment, the pain of his absence will live on. As another line from “Afterimage” states:

Tried to believe but you know it's no good
This is something that just can't be understood

Farewell, Mr. Peart. You have touched myself and millions of other fans in ways that just can’t be understood.

My 65 (Yup, 65) Favorite Musical Artists

Readers of my blog know that I love me some lists. Specifically, I love boring my readers with lists of my favorite movies, music, books, and key lime pies. You know, the usual stuff you see all over the internet. While I’ve done a couple of different versions of my favorite albums lists, I’ve never done a favorite musical artists list, which is what I am regaling you with today.

Why 65, though, you are inevitably wondering? In list making you routinely see Top 10, 25, 50, or 100 lists, but never 65. An odd number to be sure, but not completely random. You have my friend Kurt (last name withheld for anonymity purposes) to thank for this. You see, Kurt may enjoy making lists even more than I, and in 2019 he embarked upon an incredibly ambitious project of listing his Top 365 favorite musical artists alphabetically, day by day, on Facebook. For each artist he wrote a lengthy blurb about their background and history and his own personal connection to them, culminating with a list of his Top 10 favorite songs by said artist.

I was mesmerized by Kurt’s project and went out of my way to read his daily entries. Sometimes his family and work life got in the way and he fell behind a bit, but the guy plugged along and sometimes did more than one entry in a day. As I said, it was incredibly ambitious…and possibly insane.

Inspired by Kurt’s project, I wondered if I could come up with a list of 365 favorite musical artists. I quickly realized the answer is a resounding “No!” There are not even close to 365 bands and solo artists I can call a favorite. I thought I might attempt a list of 165, but even that proved difficult, as I completely petered out by the time I got to 148. And really, many of the entries toward the end were a stretch.

So 165 was out, but 65 seemed very doable. There are 65 artists I can call a favorite without it being too much of a stretch. Hence the list you are about to see. The write-ups on each are only two to three sentences, though, as I don’t want to put you to sleep too quickly. And if you are disappointed because you don’t see your favorite here, rest assured there is a good chance they fell somewhere between 66 and 148. So, without further ado…

65. Rodriguez – Here’s a solo artist from the early 1970s who quickly fell into obscurity until an amazing 2012 documentary called Searching for Sugar Man brought him back to the public’s eye. I first saw the film and heard his music this year and I was instantly hooked. He’s basically a Latin Dylan-Springsteen hybrid. Favorite song: “Crucify Your Mind”

64. Wishbone Ash – Another early 70s act I didn’t know anything about until this year. I’d heard of them for many years, but never went out of my way to listen to them until a friend posted a comment about them on Facebook about four or five months ago. Wishbone Ash is sort of a heavy progressive rock band, with some interesting jazz elements mixed in. Favorite song: “Errors of My Way”

63. Nirvana – I understand that these guys were pivotal in the direction rock music took in the 1990s, but have never adored them to the same extent that many others have. That said, there are a lot of really good songs in their small, three-album history. Favorite song: “Lithium”

62. Journey – I know, I know, cool and smart music aficionados say I’m not supposed to like them, but if I’m honest with myself, I do. I was in junior high and high school when they were at the height of their popularity and they were a part of my music world back then. To this day, when I hear the first few notes of “Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)” come on my car radio I turn the volume up to 11. Favorite song: “Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)”

61. Heart – Ann Wilson has one of the most iconic and powerful voices in rock music and she used it to turn Heart into a female-driven Led Zeppelin. At least many of their songs were Zeppelin-esque, but they managed to get some lighter ballads in their too, like “Alone.” Favorite song: “Crazy on You”

60. George Harrison – One of three ex-Beatles who will appear on my list (sorry Ringo, I love you, but you didn’t quite make the cut) he has some tunes I love in his solo career. While George was never as front and center as John or Paul, I think he was every bit as good of a songwriter and his solo career reflects that. Favorite song: “When We Was Fab”

59. Van Halen – Existing on the cusp of hard rock and heavy metal, Van Halen churned out a ton of energetic, hard-driving songs that were never particularly deep in meaning, but almost always fun to rock out to. While many are split on whether David Lee Roth or Sammy Hagar was better as the lead singer, I almost think it doesn’t matter, since Eddie Van Halen’s virtuoso guitar is what drove the band anyway. Favorite song: "Runnin’ with the Devil”

58. Steve Miller Band – There is nothing fancy about Steve and his band, but their songs are just fun, straightforward rockers. That is, until he put out the song “Abracadabra,” which I can’t stand. On a side note, one of the worst blind dates of my life was at a Steve Miller Band concert, but that’s a story for another time. Favorite song: “Fly Like an Eagle”

57. Foreigner – These guys just put out hit after hit after hit from the late 70s to mid-80s. I really don’t have much else to say about them other than, I really like many of those hits they put out. Favorite song: “Cold as Ice”

56. Talking Heads – Here’s a band that had one of the more unique sounds of the 70s and 80s. They are very hard to classify, but I guess you’d put them somewhere on the new wave to punk spectrum. As unique was their sound, so was their general vibe, which was perpetuated by their oddly compelling leader David Byrne. Favorite song: “Psycho Killer”

55. Van Morrison – Somewhere between soul and folk exists the often catchy, often tender tunes of Van Morrison. I got into him in my early 20s and wore out a cassette tape of his album Tupelo Honey, which I absolutely love. Favorite song: “Wild Night”

54. System of a Down – I’m not going to pretend to know much about this Armenian-American heavy metal band, since all I know of them is from one album—Toxicity. But wow, what an album it is! Some of the tunes are so fast and heavy they make Metallica look like The Carpenters, but beyond the speed and heaviness is a smoothness and intensity that is incredibly compelling. Favorite song: “Aerials”

53. Lionel Richie – Perhaps I should be embarrassed that I included Lionel Richie on this list, but frankly, I don’t care, because I’m trying to be honest here. And if I’m being honest, in the early 1980s I couldn’t get enough of this guy who was the king of the romantic ballad. While I’m recognizing him as a solo artist on this list, I want to acknowledge that he also wrote some great songs while he was still with The Commodores. Favorite song: “Hello”

52. Joan Osborne – Another artist whose placement on this list is based entirely on the strength of one really good album. That album would be Relish, a bluesy, soulful masterpiece, best known for the single “One of Us,” (which, incidentally, I used as the basis for an article I wrote for MAD.) While “One of Us” is a very good song, there are many others on this album that I like even more. Favorite song: “St. Theresa”

51. Elvis Costello – My brother Mark was a rabid fan of Elvis Costello in the late 70s and early 80s and thus, exposed me to the catchy tunes of this punk/new wave icon. His songs vary from slow and soulful to fast-paced and toe-tapping, but all are a great listen. Favorite song: “Alison”

50. Sting – In 1985, Sting left his incredibly successful band, The Police, to embark on a solo career. He was equally as successful as a solo artist, though his music took on a distinctly different, jazzy sound than his work with The Police. My favorite song of his is inspired by one of my favorite novels, Interview with the Vampire, by Anne Rice. Favorite Song: “Moon Over Bourbon Street”

49. Eagles – These guys were mega-hit makers in the 1970s and Hotel California is one of the best-selling albums of all time. I do like a lot of their songs, but there is a certain sameness to their sound that eventually wears thin. They also have the distinction of being the one band I saw live with both my brothers and their wives. Favorite song: “Desparado”

48. Paul McCartney and Wings – I guess I could have just put Paul McCartney here, but I realized, when looking at his discography, that it’s really his work with Wings that I like the best. While his work with Wings is obviously not on the same level as The Beatles, there are still lots of really good songs to be had from this ensemble. And as a kid, I absolutely loved the fact that they made a Bond theme song. Favorite song: “Live and Let Die”

47. R.E.M. – A light, ethereal alternative music band that put out a lot of radio hits in the 80s and 90s, I definitely like a lot of their tunes, but have never been a rabid fan. As such, I really have nothing else to say about these guys. Favorite song: “Losing My Religion”

46. The Kinks – One of the early and more successful British Invasion bands. The Kinks had an interesting mix of straightforward rock songs like “You Really Got Me” and quirky, novelty tunes like “Lola.” Favorite song: “Apeman”

45. The Four Tops – I like a lot of Motown, but none more so than the songs put out by these guys. The Four Tops was Motown with an edge, as some of their tunes had a much darker, heavier feel to them than the work being done by their peers. I absolutely love several of their songs, but my favorite is this devastating number… Favorite song: “7-Rooms of Gloom”

44. Green Day – This is not a band that I’ve ever known that much about, seen live, or really think of when I’m thinking of favorite bands. But as I worked on this project I came to realize that over the years I unwittingly came to really like many of their songs. When a Green Day song comes on the radio whilst I’m driving, I will inevitably turn up the volume and violently shake my head back and forth in time with their catchy tunes. Favorite song: “Boulevard of Broken Dreams”

43. Iron Maiden – As a wannabe metal-head in the mid-to-late 1980s, Iron Maiden was required listening and for a couple of years they were one of my favorite bands. I saw them live four times in this period, thrice in arenas and once in Brooklyn’s legendary rock club L’Amour, where I experienced my first mosh pit. I don’t listen to them much these days, but can’t deny their musical impact on me. Favorite song: “Run to the Hills”

42. James Taylor – The king of wistful, tender, folk rock, James Taylor could not be any more different than the prior entry on this list. But his thoughtful tunes and emotional delivery connect with me on an almost spiritual level. Favorite song: “Fire and Rain”

41. Queen – Of all the artists on this list, Queen is probably the band that has the biggest array of songs I either really, really like or really, really can’t stand (“Another One Bites the Dust” makes my skin crawl.) But there are a large enough number of songs in the "really, really like" category to place them here on my list. Favorite song: “The Prophet’s Song”

40. Bob Dylan – This may have been the toughest artist to place on my list, and Dylan landing here may cause both my brother Mark and friend John to disown me. The challenge is that while I recognize that he is one of the greatest songwriters of all time, it is also true that I inevitably like covers of his songs more than his own versions. The Hendrix version of “All Along the Watchtower,” Clapton’s “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door,” and Joel’s “The Times They Are A-Changin” are just a few of the many examples of Dylan covers I love. For this list, though, I’ll go with a favorite based on Dylan’s own version. Favorite song: “Subterranean Homesick Blues”

39. Simon and Garfunkel – Very much influenced by Dylan, this short-lived duo churned out a lot of great songs in their six years together. Their final album together, Bridge Over Troubled Water, is one of the greatest folk rock albums of all time. They also did the amazing soundtrack to my favorite film, The Graduate. Favorite song: “The Sound of Silence”

38. Tom Petty – For whatever reason, even though I really like every Tom Petty or Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers song I hear on the radio, I’ve never gone out of my way to purchase his music. Maybe that makes me a jerk, but the reality is, if I feel like hearing a Tom Petty song, all I have to do is turn on the radio and flip back and forth between four different stations and within about 20 minutes I’m almost guaranteed of hearing one of his songs. Favorite song: “Refugee”

37. The Police – Over the course of their short career, The Police put out five albums in five years, all of which went platinum. Their music was a compelling punk-reggae combo that accompanied unique, often very literary lyrics penned by front man Sting. While they were only around for half a decade, the amount of great, catchy songs they put out is remarkable. Favorite song: “Message in a Bottle”

36.  Emerson, Lake & Palmer – The great thing about naming your group Emerson, Lake & Palmer is that fans will never forget the names of the band members. But given the incredible virtuosity of Keith Emerson on keyboards, Greg Lake on bass and guitar, and Carl Palmer on drums, there’s no reason anyone should ever forget the names of these guys. They were prog-rock gods and their album Brain Salad Surgery (ridiculous name and all) is ELP at their finest. Favorite song: “Still…You Turn Me On”

35. John Lennon – My favorite Beatle also had my favorite solo career by the Fab Four. With his unique combo of quirky, sardonic wit and peace-loving sensibility, he is also one of my favorite personas in rock (musical ability aside.) But, of course, the musical ability was incredible too as his way too short solo career bares out. Favorite song: “Mind Games”

34. 10,000 Maniacs – This band formed in the early 1980s, but I did not become aware of them until the release of their last studio album in 1992. They are an alternative band with a pleasing, mellow sound (which seems to contradict the band’s name) that makes me want to sit by a small campfire and put my arm around a friend. In their heyday the band’s lead singer was Natalie Merchant, who went on to a very successful solo career that I will discuss further down this list. Favorite song: “These Are Days”

33. Depeche Mode – For years I dismissed this band as electronic dance music with no substance. So I never noticed when they evolved into a deeper, more intense sound. As it turns out, this is my wife’s favorite band, so when we got together she exposed me to the magic of the album Violator and I finally started to pay attention. Favorite song: “World in My Eyes”

32. Bob Seger – Whether solo or with his Silver Bullet Band, Bob Seger put out a ton of great songs, some rockin’ and some of a more ballad-like nature. He was also constantly reminding his fans of how great rock music is in general, with songs like “Rock and Roll Never Forgets” and “Old Time Rock and Roll.” Favorite song: “We’ve Got Tonight”

31. Squeeze – This British new wave band put out four great albums from 1978 to 1981. They had a lot of fun, catchy tunes in that timeframe, but never quite had A-list level success in the United States. My brother Mark and I got to see them open for Fleetwood Mac (who did not quite make this list), which was an odd pairing, but they put on a great set. Favorite song: “Pulling Mussels (From the Shell)”

30. U2 – One of the most commercially successful bands of all time, this Irish rock-pop band has put out a ton of popular hits. Their tunes run the gamut from catchy to wistful to political. My wife is a much bigger fan than I, but I still like them enough to place them this high up on my list. Favorite song: “New Year’s Day”

29. Bowling For Soup – Here’s another band that my wife turned me on to. They are a punk band that emerged in the 90s with a bunch of extremely catchy, extremely funny tunes. They had a sliver of radio success in 2004 with their song “1985,” about a middle-aged mom stuck in the 80s, which is just plain fun. They also have an unusual amount of songs about bad breakups and angry dads trying to catch their daughter’s boyfriends, so clearly those are themes they have firsthand experience with. Favorite song: “Girl All the Bad Guys Want”

28. Bob Marley and the Wailers – In the late 1980s my good friend Alex got me into reggae. And when you get into reggae you quickly realize that Bob Marley and the Wailers are to reggae what The Beatles are to the rest of music. Marley wrote songs that were smooth and intense and dealt with social issues through a spiritual lens. Favorite song: “Redemption Song”

27. Ozzy Osborne – The lead singer of Black Sabbath (coming up later) departed that band to start his own very successful solo career. Going solo allowed Ozzy to increase his theatrical gothic stage persona, which went well with the grandiose metal tunes he put out. And he does, indeed, put on a great show, which I found out the one time I got to see him in concert in 1990-ish. Favorite song: “Mr. Crowley”

26. David Bowie – There was no one in the history of rock quite like Bowie. His music was always tough to classify—was it rock? Pop? New wave? Avant garde? It was all of that and more, but the common thread in his music is that it was always compelling. Beyond the music itself, Bowie was a pop culture icon, who was still producing at a high level when he passed away at the age of 69. Favorite song: “Suffragette City”

25. Paul Simon – When he and Garfunkel split, Paul Simon took his music to a whole other level. For a while he continued to make really good folk-pop tunes, but then in the 80s he started experimenting with sounds from different parts of the world resulting in the great, but distinctly unique albums “Graceland” and “The Rhythm of the Saints.” And the one time I saw him in concert he put on one of the great live shows I’ve ever been to. Favorite song: “You Can Call Me Al”

24. Zebra – This band would be obscure to most people, unless you came of age amidst the hard rock, heavy metal scene of Brooklyn in the 1980s. I, and my cronies, saw these guys live many times at the aforementioned rock club L’Amour. They put out three albums in the 80s that got minor radio airplay and then they faded away, but not before leaving a significant impact on a large number of East Coast rockers. Favorite song: “Tell Me What You Want”

23. Styx – These guys were actually my favorite band for a few years toward the end of elementary school. Their album Cornerstone was the first one I ever purchased with my own money.  They were all over the radio in the 70s and early 80s and I dug them, but as I got into other bands, they slowly slid down my list of favorites until landing here. Favorite song: “What Has Come Between Us”

22. Cream – While only making music from 1966 through 1969, this power trio’s song catalogue packs an incredible wallop. Their album Disraeli Gears, by itself, has at least six songs that I would consider great. Unfortunately, the virtuoso combo of Eric Clapton, Jack Bruce, and Ginger Baker only lasted a few years, but they made an enormous impact on the trajectory of hard rock in their short time together. Favorite song: “Tales of Brave Ulysses”

21. The Jimi Hendrix Experience – Following an oddly similar, yet even shorter trajectory as Cream, this incredible power trio made three amazing albums over the course of two years. Sadly, rather than coming to an end because of simply parting ways, the band ended with the death of Hendrix at the way too early age of 27. But the unparalleled guitar playing of Hendrix, accompanied by the outstanding playing of drummer Mitch Mitchell and bassist Noel Redding, resulted in three albums of astonishing quality. Favorite song: “Fire”

20. The Rolling Stones – While often considered second only to The Beatles in the pantheon of rock, I never quite connected to them on the same level as some of the other British rock bands that emerged in the 60s. That said, the sheer volume of good to very good songs that they have put out over the decades lands them at the back end of my Top 20. Oh, and when I was a kid I once got a big pair of wax lips and went to a Halloween party as Mic Jagger. Favorite song: “Angie”

19. The Cranberries – The Cranberries emerged in the early 90s, as female alternative rockers started to really break through. On their first album, Everybody Else Is Doing It, So Why Can’t We? lead singer Dolores O’Riordan’s lilting Irish voice accompanying the lullaby-like tunes, has an almost hypnotic effect on the listener. By the time they get to their third album, To The Faithful Departed, the lullaby vibe has been replaced by an anarchistic outrage, but O’Riordan’s voice is no less hypnotic. Favorite song: “Salvation”

18. Black Sabbath – Commonly considered to be the progenitors of the heavy metal music genre (unless you are delusional, like Pete Townshend, who recently said that he invented heavy metal), Black Sabbath took hard rock in a new direction. With ominous tunes, and lyrics that were often terrifying, their first two albums, both released in 1970, were masterpieces of the genre. Once Ozzy Osborne left in 1979 they were never quite the same, but for a decade these guys blazed a pioneering trail in rock music. Favorite song: “War Pigs”

17. Phish – This Vermont-based band’s music was like manna to college-aged hippies in the early 1990s. I was sort of a fringe hippy during that timeframe, so I eventually got wind of their music. The flower child vibe at their concerts I could take or leave, but I fell in love with their complex prog-jazz musical style and bizarre, stream of consciousness lyrics. Favorite song: “Stash”

16. Natalie Merchant – In 1995, two years after parting ways with the band 10,000 Maniacs, Natalie Merchant released her first solo album, Tigerlily. That album, along with her next two solo albums, managed to find its way straight to my soul. Her tender, emotive voice, singing lyrics that are sometimes wistful, sometimes joyful, and always a wonderful earful, is my favorite female voice in rock/pop music. Favorite song: “Ophelia”

15. Red Hot Chili Peppers – Here’s another band whose style is difficult to define, though they often just get lumped into “alternative,” despite the fact that they might be funk, punk, or maybe even metal depending on the album and/or who you ask. They flew very much under the mainstream radar for about seven years before becoming mega-stars with their fifth album, Blood Sugar Sex Magik. That’s when I first became aware of them and I’ve been a big fan ever since. Favorite song: “Parallel Universe”

14. The Doors – There may be no band in the history of rock whose persona hinged so completely on their charismatic front man. Jim Morrison was a rock and roll poet who embodied the stereotypical excesses of a rock star. His often trippy lyrics, combined with Ray Manzarek’s hypnotic lead keyboards gave The Doors a distinctive sound that many critics dismissed, but I and millions of others adored. Favorite song: “My Eyes Have Seen You”

13. Jethro Tull – Fronted by singer and flutist Ian Anderson, Jethro Tull had a unique prog-rock style that almost sounded Renaissance-like. Their album Aqualung is one of my favorite albums of all time, but they have a ton of other great songs throughout their catalog. And as of this writing they remain the biggest snub of the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. Favorite song: “Locomotive Breath”

12. Billy Joel – One of the most commercially successful songwriters of all time, the Long Island born piano man, has produced an incredible amount of hit songs. From 1971 to 1993 Joel put out a dozen albums, of which eleven went platinum, and then at the age of 44 he stopped making new rock music, unlike most of his peers. He hasn’t disappeared though, as he still tours and I’ve been fortunate enough to see him live four times. Favorite song: “All For Leyna”

11. Elton John – One of the most commercially successful songwriters of all time, the British born piano man, has produced an incredible amount of hit songs. Unlike his friend Billy Joel (whom he has sometimes toured with) he did not retire in 1993 and has put out 30 albums in his illustrious career, of which 16 have gone platinum in the United States. I’ve also managed to see him four times, including one of the aforementioned tours with Billy Joel. Favorite song: “Funeral for a Friend/Love Lies Bleeding”

10. Live – I became aware of this 90s alternative band a couple of years before they found mainstream success with their hit “Lightning Crashes.” Almost a decade later, when I met the woman who would become my wife, we discovered we were both huge Live fans, so they sort of became our band. As a result, we ended up using one of their songs as the first dance at our wedding, and it remains my favorite of theirs to this day. Favorite song: “Dance With You”

9. They Might Be Giants – With their lyrics that are sometimes goofy, sometimes educational, and always entertaining, this two-person band never fails to make me smile. The two Johns (Flansburgh and Linnel) match their fun lyrics with simple, catchy tunes for the full feel-good effect. Not surprisingly, they have also put out a few great kids albums, of which two of them—Here Come the ABCs and Here Come the 123s, I played constantly for my kids when they were toddlers. Favorite song: “Birdhouse in Your Soul”

8. Yes – Player for player, Yes may have had the most talented musicians in the history of rock. This resulted in some incredibly epic albums, including my favorite of theirs, Fragile, which contains my favorite song by any musical artist, to be revealed momentarily. They also went through a lot of lineup changes, resulting in some mediocre albums later in their career, but their great stuff was so incredibly great, they wind up here on my list. Favorite song: “Roundabout”

7. Metallica – The undeniable kings of metal, their first four albums, all made in the 1980s, are unmatched in their genre. Their fifth album, released in 1991, featured much shorter, more polished songs, including a (gasp!) love song, and suddenly these guys were mainstream. Their output from that point onward was very hit or miss, but a decade’s worth of some of the best heavy songs ever produced lands them squarely in my Top 10. Favorite song: “Master of Puppets”

6. The Who – Pete Townshend may not be one of the flashiest guitarists in rock history, but he may certainly be one of the best songwriters. With Roger Daltrey singing the words and Keith Moon on drums and John Entwistle on bass, behind Townshend’s guitar, this foursome churned out one of the best catalogs in all of rock. The pinnacle of their career was the album Who’s Next, which is one of my favorite albums ever. Favorite song: “Behind Blue Eyes”

5. Pink Floyd – The album that I have probably listened to from beginning to end more than any other is The Wall, but the irony is, it’s not even my favorite album by Pink Floyd; that distinction belongs to Wish You Were Here. Oh, and arguably their most acclaimed album, Dark Side of the Moon, ain’t too shabby either. All three of these albums, as well as several others they put out in the 70s and 80s, have a mind-bending, psychedelic sound that is unlike any other musical artist before or since. Favorite song: “Welcome to the Machine”

4. Led Zeppelin – Robert Plant, Jimmy Page, John Paul Jones, and John Bonham formed the greatest heavy rock band of all time. Their tunes were epic, hard-driving, and oftentimes quite trippy. From the time this band formed in 1969 until John Bonham’s untimely death in 1980, Led Zeppelin put out less than a hundred songs, but almost all of them were somewhere between very good and amazing. Favorite song: “Dazed and Confused”

3. Bruce Springsteen – If the album Born to Run were the only one Springsteen ever made, he still would have wound up in my Top 10, so good was this piece of vinyl, which is my favorite to this day. Of course, The Boss made a lot of music both before and after Born to Run, much of which is also amazing. Perhaps it is the urgency of the tunes, or the poetry of the lyrics, or the way he performs, or really all of these things combined, but for me, no solo artist is in the same stratosphere as Bruce. Favorite song: “Jungleland”

2. The Beatles – They are the most influential band in the history of modern music, with far and away more recognizable songs than any other artist. Their albums are all pretty much on the great to masterpiece spectrum. I still listen to them on a regular basis today and from time to time some songs that I didn’t think too much of previously, suddenly jump out at me due to their greatness, making picking a favorite very difficult, so I’ll just stick with my stock answer. Favorite song: “Norwegian Wood”

1. Rush – Dismissed by many as a geeky, prog-rock novelty act, from the time I was in my mid-teens I connected to this band more than any other before or since. Who knows what goes on in my neurons that causes this, but the virtuosity of singer/bassist Geedy Lee, guitarist Alex Lifeson, and drummer Neil Peart, speaks to me on a whole different level. They are also amazing to see live, which I have done on a dozen occasions. I apologize in advance for my favorite song, which did not get any airplay and will only be known by other Rush fans. Favorite song: “Cygnus X-1 Book I: The Voyage”

Thank you for sticking with another one of my lengthy list blogs. (Assuming you did stick with it, and if you didn’t, I really can’t blame you.) One caveat about the favorite song entries—while I do have some longtime definitive favorite songs for some of these musical artists, for many it was really my favorite song by them at the moment I was writing this, with the possibility of it changing tomorrow and the next day and on and on. As with all forms of art our tastes evolve. And remember to check back with me next month for my list of 65 favorite key lime pies.

Crucial Advice on Black Friday

Hello, and welcome to the day after Thanksgiving! As your body deals with the near-lethal combo of carbohydrates and tryptophan currently coursing through your veins, I thought I would provide a public service to all my readers. Yes, while yesterday I gave thanks, today I give advice, totally free of charge. And you don’t even have to thank me until next Thanksgiving.

Today, of course, is Black Friday, the biggest shopping day of the year. Incredible discounts abound at retailers across the nation and you likely have your eye on more than a few deals to help you launch your holiday shopping spree. One must be careful, however, and not just jump into a day of this import willy-nilly. So I have some crucial advice on dealing with Black Friday that I would like to impart on you now. Before I get to the advice, however, let us assess what you will be dealing with.

Traffic – Driving to your shopping destination of choice—whether it be a mall, a Target, or a specialty boutique that sells gold-plaited underwear—can prove challenging. Everyone wants to get to their favorite retail outlet faster than the person driving next to them, on the off chance that the person driving next to them happens to be in the market for the same exact coveted item. Hence, on Black Friday, people drive with reckless abandon, their foot heavy on the gas pedal. Yellow lights are meaningless, right of way ignored, and speed limits not even considered as a friendly suggestion.  Yes, driving on Black Friday can prove deadly.

Parking – Finding a parking spot within a two mile radius of your chosen store can prove challenging if not impossible. That guy who blew past you at 90 miles per hour on a side street is now trying to get his Ford F-150 into a parking space meant for a Smart Car and he will NOT be denied. Every row you drive down there will be at least four cars ahead of you vying for the first spot that opens up and if you are lucky enough to be in the right spot as someone is pulling out, there is an excellent chance someone will steal your spot from the opposite direction. When, after an hour of driving back and forth in every parking lane in your zip code, you finally do get a spot, taking that long walk to the store can prove treacherous as you are forced to dodge every car that is still manically searching for a spot. Yes, parking on Black Friday can prove deadly.

Shopping – Once you have made it into the store there is a 37.8% chance that you will be trampled, or at the very least have your foot stepped on, while working your way toward the aisle that sells the product you seek. Everyone seems to want the same thing that you want and on this day normally civilized individuals turn into cutthroat savages who will stop at nothing to obtain what they want. Pushing, shoving, kicking, and even the occasional knee to the groin are all in play when it comes to getting the newest PlayStation at 50% off of retail price. Looking for deals in the kitchenware section can prove particularly hazardous with all that cutlery lying around. Here is where “getting stabbed in the back” can go from figurative to literal in a hurry. Yes, shopping on Black Friday can prove deadly.

Paying – Assuming you managed to obtain the item you sought (or perhaps a lame replacement) you still have to pay for said item before leaving the store. The checkout lines will seem impossibly long. In fact, there is a good chance you will be standing on what you think is a checkout line, but is actually a line to the bathroom or simply just 16 people in a row who happen to moving in the same direction. If you do manage to get on an actual checkout line, after several hours, you may finally get to have an interaction with a cashier. The hope is that your credit or debit card will be accepted without any problem. The people behind you on line have been waiting just as long as you and they are restless. If something or someone in front of them is causing a delay in their being able to checkout, there is a good chance it could start a riot. And if the person right behind you just so happens to be coming from the cutlery section, well… Yes, paying on Black Friday can prove deadly.

So, now that I have set up all the things that you will be up against on Black Friday, I am finally able to dispense my crucial advice.

Stay home.

From Batman to Insurance Man

The first Halloween that my younger son was old enough to decide on his own costume, he chose to be Batman. (Note: the Halloween before that, he was only eight months old, so we chose for him—cat. This possibly explains his obsession with cats to this day.) Choosing to be Batman when you are almost two years old is pretty normal. At that age you know nothing of his tragic backstory and brooding demeanor; you just know that he wears a cool outfit and gets the bad guy. Indeed, dressing up as a superhero for Halloween is pretty commonplace for young boys. Over the years my two sons have been varying incarnations of Batman, Ironman, and Spiderman.

But kids grow out of their superhero phase eventually and branch out to other types of costumes. My younger son has been a character from the Minecraft video game, a cat (again), and a penguin. (I’m talking just a regular penguin, not “The Penguin,” because he would never want to betray his younger Batman self by dressing up as one of his enemies.) This year, however, he went in a completely different direction. About two months before Halloween, he excitedly told us what he was going to dress up as this year—an insurance salesman!

That’s right, our 10-year-old son was done with superheroes and video game characters and animals, and was branching out into the world of finance. He created business cards and an insurance contract (which he keeps on insisting is legally binding) and asked if he could borrow my clipboard. He bought a cheap pair of glasses at the dollar store and popped out the lenses. He donned a suit. He combed his hair (unusual for him) and carried himself in a professional manner. He was officially an insurance salesman.

On Halloween he went door to door with his clipboard hoping to snag candy and clients. For the sake of those generously distributing treats, I hoped nobody actually signed the contract he wrote, which reads in part: “If you are unlucky enough to be reading this right now, I will let you know that there is no turning back now. If you choose to proceed, you might as well meet your financial collapse.” Yes, some kids egg your house, while my kid entraps you with unethical business documents.

Luckily, nobody reported my son to the Better Business Bureau, and his costume proved to be well-liked (albeit a tad perplexing) by most door openers. Ultimately, success on Halloween is measured by candy-haul and in that regard my son made a killing. Yes, the boy will be sugared up for weeks now and he has decided to lose the clipboard and go as something totally different next Halloween—a lawyer. Looks like I’ll be lending him my briefcase.