Monolith Mystery Mastered!

With only five weeks left in 2020, I think I speak for the entire human race when I say it would be nice if what is left of the year passes without any strange or startling news items. Yet yesterday, a doozy of a news item came to us when it was revealed that Utah officials surveying a remote section of their southeastern desert via helicopter, spotted a hitherto unnoticed 10 to 12-foot metallic monolith standing tall amidst the red rocks. A crew was dispatched to take a closer look and found no clues to reveal why it was there, how it got there, or how long it has been there. They kept this quiet for a week before releasing the information to the public, at which point the internet exploded.

Of course, countless theories have been put forth as to the origin of this structure and countless references have been made to the 1968 sci-fi movie classic, 2001: A Space Odyssey, in which large metallic monoliths of extraterrestrial origin show up in odd locations. Because of the iconic nature of that film, some have suggested (although mostly in jest) that the monolith was, indeed, placed there by space aliens. This has prompted an official with the Utah Highway Patrol to emphatically state to reporters that “this thing is not from another world.” Of course, it’s doubtful that this official has a degree in astrobiology, so really, how would he know?

The prevailing theory about this mystery monolith is that it was erected by an avant-garde sculptor. But the artists considered the most likely candidates for building this sort of thing have said they have no knowledge of it and nobody has come forward to claim ownership of the odd object. Perhaps nobody has come forward because it’s illegal to place unsanctioned sculptures on federal land, but you would think if an artist really did pull a stunt like this, they would want the recognition for it, even if it meant the possibility of getting charged with a felony.

For my money, I think the extraterrestrial hypothesis is the best bet. No, I’m not some whack-job who thinks that 2001: A Space Odyssey was based on a true story and director Stanley Kubrick had access to inside information about contact with alien life. Rather, I’m some whack-job who thinks that the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey is what prompted aliens to place the monolith in the desert in the first place. And once you hear my theory about this you’ll think, “Maybe Andrew isn’t a whack-job at all. Maybe he’s just a regular job."

Consider the following:

1- According to Forbes magazine (where I get all my scientific data) “there are up to 19,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 stars similar to ours with at least one planet similar to Earth.” For those of you who prefer words to numbers, that is nineteen-sextillion.

2- If only one in a trillion of these Earth-like planets had life on them, that would still be 1,000,000,000 planets with life. (That’s one billion for my word-oriented friends.)

3- One has to assume (given the current state of affairs here on Earth) that a lot of those planets would have more advanced intelligence than us.

4- Since we have been sending television and radio signals out into space for decades, one can also assume that alien civilizations are watching and listening to all the entertainment we have created. (And for free no less! Wait until the cable companies figure out they’re getting pirated by extraterrestrials!)

5- Given all the hard facts I just put out there, it stands to reason that some (if not many) space aliens have watched the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey.

6- As with any large group of beings, you have to figure that amongst the aliens, some of them are practical jokers. (Just because a civilization has technology light years more advanced than ours doesn’t mean they don’t have some citizens who enjoy the simple pleasures of a whoopee cushion.)

7- Assuming that some of these extremely advanced civilizations have technology capable of watching us in real time, would it really be far-fetched to think this conversation couldn’t have happened:

Groxnorp: It’s wild to see what’s been going on with those Earth dudes over their past solar year.

Flajwok: I know, I know. It’s like, what crazy crap can befall those little simpletons next?

Groxnorp: Totally! Hey, you know what would be funny?

Flajwok: What’s that Groxy?

Groxnorp: What if we flew down there and put one of those monolith-thingies from that hysterical Kubrick flick in the middle of nowhere for them to stumble across! Then they’d be all like: “Oh no! First a plague, then civil unrest, and now an alien invasion!”

Flajwok: Yes! That’s epic! We should totally do it! But where should we put the thing?

Groxnorp: I dunno. What’s the most innocent, unassuming place on their planet?

Flajwok and Groxnorp (in unison): Utah!!!

Flajwok: Perfect! Pass me a brewski and then let’s take off!

While you may believe that the scenario above is highly unlikely, do you think it is more or less likely than an artist somehow managing to lug tons of metal material and equipment to a location in the middle of the desert that is so inaccessible that the Utah Department of Public Safety said: “It is in a very remote area and if individuals were to attempt to visit the area, there is a significant possibility they may become stranded and require rescue.” I think it is safe to assume that when DPS issued this statement they were speaking of human individuals—clearly, extraterrestrial individuals would need no such help.

I am sure this mystery will never be satisfactorily solved, as Groxnorp and Flajwok have had their laugh and are long gone, very likely now egging a star port in the Andromeda galaxy at this very moment. But if 2020 has taught us anything, it is to expect the unexpected. That is why I’m hoping there are no extraterrestrial practical jokers out there who are big fans of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. The last thing we need this year is to have to face off against killer rabbits. That would be so 2020.