My 50th Year - A Tale of Two Ages

 

It seems like just one year ago today that I turned 50, in large part, because it was. As I approached the half century mark last year, I was very anxious. What would it be like to be a 50-year-old man? I knew it was just an arbitrary number, but some numbers packed more significance than others. At 16 you can drive; at 21 you can drink; at 35 you can run for president—even if you have the maturity and intelligence of a toddler. Well what happens at 50? What would an entire year of being a 50-year-old feel like? Well, since that year just ended for me, I’m here to tell you it’s a very mixed bag.

In some ways, my 50^th year felt like two very distinct years. The first half was terrific, whereas the second half felt almost like Armageddon. As I mentioned in some blog posts from that timeframe, one of the great advantages of turning 50 was getting my AARP card. I wielded that piece of plastic like a great swordsman wields…um…a sword. (Metaphors don’t get better at age 50.) Not long after I got my AARP card—okay a day after— I took my wife on a hot date to Denny’s and flashed that thing for a full 15% off! It was glorious!

Yes, the first half of my 50^th year brought with it some carefree days. Not only was I getting an AARP  discount at a handful of select restaurants and retailers, I was also getting AARP The Magazine! The first issue I received had Tom Hanks on the cover! Tom-freaking-Hanks! Maybe being 50 wouldn’t be so bad after all! And then the second half of the year kicked in.

Six months after I turned 50, in mid-March, everything seemed to start going downhill. It was like I became a hermit, staying in all the time—not even leaving my house to go to my office. I stopped going out to eat. I stopped going to the movies. I avoided seeing anyone other than my immediate family in person. I became obsessive compulsive about handwashing. I started doing weird things like hoarding toilet paper and wearing facemasks on the rare occasion that I would venture outside. What was it about the second half of my 50^th year that made me this way? Why did nobody older than me tell me it would be like this?

And now comes 51. What will that year be like? Will it be as schizophrenic of a year as my 50^th was? Only time will tell, but I’ll tell you one thing for certain—I’ve already renewed my AARP membership. I mean Kevin-freaking-Costner was on the cover of the last issue, so why wouldn’t I?