50 Years of Favorites

Fifty years ago today I sprang into the world as a crying, wet mess. And I fully expected to be a crying, wet mess again today on my 50^th birthday. Indeed, for months, neigh years, I have been dreading this day. For a long time I had been contemplating writing a weighty, introspective blog about hitting the half-century mark, but the more I contemplated it, the more I realized how utterly depressing that would be. And the last thing I want to do is depress my loyal audience. (Yeah, I’m talking to all six of you.) Besides, last month I wrote a blog along those lines anyway, so why should I be redundant?

So a couple of weeks ago I shifted gears and started contemplating fun things I might write about to honor my 50^th and lo and behold, I had an epiphany. I get strange pleasure from creating lists of my favorite things. In fact, I’ve done several blogs along those lines in the past. So in honor of my 50^th, why not create Top 50 lists of my favorite albums, movies, television shows, and books? Yep, why should I depress my readers when I could bore them instead?

In the interest of time, and considering there will be 200 entries across the four lists, I decided to write only one line on each entry. Even so, this will be a long read, so feel free to skim and/or read it in multiple sittings. (I apologize in advance that I didn’t have time to create an audio version.) Without further ado…

MY TOP 50 ALBUMS

(Note: I once blogged about my Top 25 Albums, which has lengthier critiques for each album. Feel free to read that here if you are so inclined. Over the past two years those 25 have changed slightly as astute readers will note by comparing the old list with the one below.)

50. Dark Side of the Moon (Pink Floyd, 1973) – Not my favorite Pink Floyd album as you will soon see, but no arguing with the amazingness of this album that spent more than 900 weeks on the Billboard charts!

49. Toxicity (System of a Down, 2001) – Insanely aggressive, yet at times incredibly melodic, this is the only album on my list that came out in this century.

48. Relish (Joan Osborne, 1995) – I got this album because I wrote a MAD article poking fun at her huge radio hit “One of Us,” but when I listened to it, I realized the rest of the songs were great, particularly, her bluesy, brooding cover of Bob Dylan’s “Man in the Long Black Coat.”

47. Glass Houses (Billy Joel, 1980) – I listened to the song “All for Leyna” constantly to fuel my anguish due to an unrequited crush I had in 5^th grade.

46. Ophelia (Natalie Merchant, 1998) – Natalie Merchant’s voice on the opening title track is as smooth and delicious as melted dark chocolate.

45. Natty Dread (Bob Marley and the Wailers, 1974) – My friend Alex got me into reggae in the late 1980s and this album was my favorite of the genre.

44. Black Sabbath (Black Sabbath, 1970) – Listening to this album is like watching the scariest of horror films, and as a big fan of the horror genre, I mean this to be high praise.

43. Zebra (Zebra, 1983) – This album features lots of catchy hard rock/prog rock tunes from a band that I always thought should have achieved a greater level of commercial success.

42. The Distance to Here (Live, 1999) – Released about a month before my wife and I got engaged, we ended up using the song “Dance with You” as our first dance at our wedding.

41. Grace Under Pressure (Rush, 1984) – This is a delightfully brooding, electric keyboard-driven album by my all-time favorite band.

40. Our Time in Eden (10,000 Maniacs, 1992) – Before she went solo, Natalie Merchant was the lead singer of alternative folk group 10,000 Maniacs, which had several good albums, but this, the last one with Natalie, is my favorite.

39. 52nd Street (Billy Joel, 1978) – “Big Shot,” “Honesty,” and “My Life” were the hits off this album, but most of the other songs are every bit as good, if not better.

38. John Henry (They Might Be Giants, 1994) – Such a fun album, by such a fun band, I implore you to seek out and listen to the song “O, Do Not Forsake Me,” in honor of my milestone birthday.

37. Abbey Road (The Beatles, 1969) – Released just 10 days after I was born, this incredible album was the last one recorded by the Fab Four.

36. Ride the Lightning (Metallica, 1984) – The greatest heavy metal band of all time delivers the goods on their second album and introduces what my friend, Scott, calls the “Metalli-ballad” with the song “Fade to Black.”

35. Close to the Edge (Yes, 1972) – Only the prog-rock wizards of Yes can successfully pull off a 37-minute long album that contains only three songs.

34. The Stranger (Billy Joel, 1977) – The final Billy Joel album on my list features a bunch of hits, but my favorite is the title track.

33. To the Faithful Departed (The Cranberries, 1996) – Lead vocalist Dolores O’Riordan’s punk rock lullabies and distinctive Irish accent are mesmerizing on this album.

32. The Doors (The Doors, 1967) – Their debut album had a bunch of hits, but my favorite is the psychedelic epic “The End,” which ends the album.

31. The Beatles/White Album (The Beatles, 1968) – As a carefree, fun-loving kid my favorite song on this album was “Rocky Raccoon,” but now, as a serious, somber adult my favorite song on this album is “While My Guitar Gently Weeps.”

30. Signals (Rush, 1982) – This is the first album I ever purchased of my favorite band so, in a way, you can say this record changed my life.

29. Tigerlily (Natalie Merchant, 1995) – I liked her when she was in 10,000 Maniacs, but her solo work touches my soul, particularly on this album, which was her solo debut.

28. Revolver (The Beatles, 1966) – The most famous song on this album is “Eleanor Rigby,” but there are a bunch of lesser known gems like “I’m Only Sleeping,” “For No One,” and “Tomorrow Never Knows.”

27. Violator (Depeche Mode, 1990) – My wife’s favorite band, this album is hypnotic, mesmerizing and strangely danceable.

26. Moving Pictures (Rush, 1981) – Best known for containing Rush’s most famous song, “Tom Sawyer,” Side 1 of this album is essentially flawless and Side 2 ain’t too shabby either.

25. Greetings From Asbury Park, N.J. (Bruce Springsteen, 1973) – Springsteen’s debut album is a raw grab-bag of catchy tunes and gritty lyrics.

24. Goodbye Yellow Brick Road (Elton John, 1973) – Everyone knows the hits like the title track and “Bennie and the Jets,” but some of the lesser known songs like “This Song Has No Title” and “The Ballad of Danny Bailey” are equally as good.

23. Strange Days (The Doors, 1967) – This album starts with the wonderfully eerie title track and ends with the amazingly epic “When the Music’s Over,” and everything in between (with the exception of the bizarre spoken word “Horse Latitudes”) is great.

22. A Picture of Nectar (Phish, 1992) – People seem to love ‘em or hate ‘em and I’m in the love camp, because of the masterful musicianship combined with their compelling stream-of-consciousness lyrics.

21. Flood (They Might Be Giants, 1990) – No album can put a smile on my face like this one from the masters of geek humor rock.

20. Darkness on the Edge of Town (Bruce Springsteen, 1978) – Brooding and tuneful, The Boss knocked it out of the park with this follow up to an album that you will see further on down this list.

19. 2112 (Rush, 1976) – Side 1 is an epic prog-rock tour de force and Side 2 has a bunch of really, really good songs.

18. Disraeli Gears (Cream, 1967) – Psychedelic hard rock at its very best brought to you by Eric Clapton, Jack Bruce, and Ginger Baker, a super trio that could not possibly be matched…except by the band that’s next on my list.

17. Are You Experienced? (The Jimi Hendrix Experience, 1967) – While everyone knows that Hendrix was a guitar god, listen closely and it becomes clear that bassist Noel Redding and drummer Mitch Mitchell are pretty dang amazing too.

16. Mental Jewlery (Live, 1991) – I somehow caught wind of Live’s debut album soon after its release and was entranced by its raw energy.

15. Led Zeppelin IV (Led Zeppelin, 1971) – “Stairway to Heaven” is arguably the most well-known song in the history of classic rock, and rightfully so, but the other seven songs on this album are varying levels of very good to very great.

14. Master of Puppets (Metallica, 1986) – Don’t let the pretty sounding classical guitar that opens this album fool you; you are about to run into a buzz saw of thrash awesomeness.

13. Rubber Soul (The Beatles, 1965) – There are so many great songs on this album, that if this was the only album The Beatles ever released, they might still be considered one of the best rock bands of all time.

12. Permanent Waves (Rush, 1980) – If you want to “Begin the day with a friendly voice, a companion unobtrusive,” then this incredible album is for you.

11. Californication (Red Hot Chili Peppers, 1999) – This album seamlessly toggles back and forth between melodic and dreamy, and aggressive and in-your-face, in such a way that it takes on a life of its own.

10. Led Zeppelin (Led Zeppelin, 1969) – The debut album from the Zepsters features my favorite song of theirs—“Dazed and Confused”—as well as a bunch of other hard, bluesy and/or trippy tunes.

9. Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band (The Beatles, 1967) – While I’ve always considered it a great album, I had never considered it my favorite Beatles album until the last year or so when repeated listenings finally made me fully recognize it for the masterpiece that it is.

8.  The Wall (Pink Floyd, 1979) – The most effective concept album of all time, I listened to the cassette version of this almost non-stop for about a six-month span during junior high school, which probably explains my academic struggles at the time.

7. Paranoid (Black Sabbath, 1970) – The missing link between hard rock and heavy metal, from beginning to end this album is a mind-blowing experience.

6. Fragile (Yes, 1971) – The album that contains my favorite song of all time (“Roundabout”) showcases the most virtuosic musicianship on any rock album ever made.

5. A Farewell to Kings (Rush, 1977) – My favorite Rush song, “Cygnus X-1” (which believe me, is not for everyone) is contained within the confines of this prog-rock extravaganza.

4. Aqualung (Jethro Tull, 1971) – From the iconic heavy opening chords of the title track to the beautiful melody of “Wond’ring Aloud” this album is nothing short of perfect as it takes your ears on an epic auditory journey.

3. Who’s Next (The Who, 1971) – While the cover photo of the band members having apparently urinated on a concrete slab in the middle of an empty field may not scream “musical genius,” the nine amazing songs on the album say otherwise.

2. Wish You Were Here (Pink Floyd, 1975) – The title track is a perfect song, as are the other four tracks, which includes my favorite Pink Floyd song, “Welcome to the Machine.”

1. Born to Run (Bruce Springsteen, 1975) – Tough to write about my favorite album of all time in just one sentence, but I will say that “Born to Run,” “Jungleland,” and “Thunder Road” are three of the greatest rock songs ever produced.

MY TOP 50 MOVIES

(Note: While I have never blogged about my overall favorite movies I did once do a blog about the funniest movie of each decade, which you can view here; and the scariest movie of each decade, which you can view here. Also note that this was the hardest of my four lists to narrow down with changes being made right up until press time. Also, also note that it’s the director’s name I have listed after each movie, not the gaffer.)

50. Sideways (Alexander Payne, 2004) – This movie not only made me realize what an incredible actor Paul Giamatti is, but also that I’m supposed to hate merlot.

49. Jaws (Steven Spielberg, 1975) – Incredibly tense and masterfully acted, I wonder if this movie would have been anywhere near as popular if it were called “Three Guys and a Shark.”

48. The Usual Suspects (Bryan Singer, 1995) – Great ensemble cast with one of the best surprise endings of all time.

47. Ed Wood (Tim Burton, 1994) – It is perhaps ironic that a movie about the worst director of all time won two Academy Awards, but it was, indeed, a great movie.

46. Shakespeare in Love (John Madden, 1998) – As a big fan of the Bard of Avon, I loved “Shakespeare in Love” and am one of the few people who was pleased it beat out “Saving Private Ryan” for Best Picture (although I acknowledge that’s a great movie, too).

45. The Incredibles (Brad Bird, 2004) – Endlessly entertaining, this is my favorite animated movie.

44. The Green Mile (Frank Darabont, 1999) – As far as Stephen King prison movies go, I know that “Shawshank Redemption” is probably the better film, but John Coffey may be the most likeable character in the history of cinema, so I give the nod to “The Green Mile.”

43. The Invisible Man (James Whale, 1933) – Of the 1930s classic monster movies, this is by far my favorite, probably because of the amazing performance Claude Rains gives as the title character.

42. The Wizard of Oz (Victor Fleming, 1939) – One of the most iconic movies of all time, I was mesmerized by it as a kid and still have a nostalgic appreciation for it today, though I recognize it might be a bit dated.

41. Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (Larry Charles, 2006) – The funniest movie of this century, there were some scenes that made me laugh so hard I ended up missing the two to three minutes that followed, because I couldn’t catch my breath.

40. Some Like it Hot (Billy Wilder, 1959) – It’s the best performance of Tony Curtis’s career, yet it’s Jack Lemmon who steals the movie, especially with his reactions in the side-splitingly funny final moments.

39. Rocky (John G. Avildsen, 1976) – Looking back on the overall mediocrity of Sylvester Stallone’s career, you’ve really got to hand it to the guy for writing an incredible screenplay with a lead role perfectly suited for him.

38. The Great Santini (Lewis John Carlino, 1979) – A great movie that flew under the radar, to this day it’s my favorite Robert Duvall performance.

37. 2001: A Space Odyssey (Stanley Kubrick, 1968) – Although I’ve always liked this movie a lot, it wasn’t until I finally got to see it on the big screen last year that I realized how amazing it really is.

36. Annie Hall (Woody Allen, 1977) – While I don’t eat lobster, this movie gave me some great pointers on how to catch one if it’s hiding behind the refrigerator.

35. Kill Bill, Vol. 1 (Quentin Tarrantino, 2003) – Containing what I consider to be the most enjoyable fight sequence I’ve ever seen on screen, this movie is like an animated film done in live action.

34. The Fisher King (Terry Gilliam, 1991) – An amazing performance by Robin Williams with an amazingly inventive screenplay written by a guy who went to the same high school as me…albeit ten years earlier.

33. Close Encounters of the Third Kind (Steven Spielberg, 1977) – You know a movie is great when you think of it fondly every single time you eat mashed potatoes.

32. Raising Arizona (The Coen Brothers, 1987) – A fun, quirky, frenetic action-comedy flick that takes place right near me in “rural Tempe.”

31. The Princess Bride (Rob Reiner, 1987) – I’ve probably seen this movie at least 20 times by now and somehow it manages to get more likeable with every viewing.

30. Goodfellas (Martin Scorsese, 1990) – In a film filled with great scenes, the Joe Pesci “How am I funny?” scene is one of the greatest in movie history.

29. Take the Money and Run (Woody Allen, 1969) – It’s difficult to rob a bank when you misspell the holdup note, or to play cello in a marching band, or to threaten someone with a gun whittled out of soap while it’s raining…

28. North by Northwest (Alfred Hitchcock, 1959) – In my mind Hitchcock’s greatest movie with Cary Grant, having seen it in my youth made me enjoy my visit to Mount Rushmore as an adult that much more.

27. Fargo (The Coen Brothers, 1996) – Frances McDormand won the Best Actress Oscar for her role as a very pregnant small town police chief, but her performance was so good I feel like they should have given her two statues.

26. Inglorious Basterds (Quentin Tarrantino, 2009) – This alternative history of events during World War II features an amazingly chilling performance by Christoph Waltz.

25. Schindler’s List (Steven Spielberg, 1993) – This actual history of events during World War II features an even more amazingly chilling performance by Ralph Fiennes.

24. Duck Soup (Leo McCarey, 1933) – The Marx Brothers at their finest, this movie contains what I consider to be the funniest scene in movie history as Groucho and Harpo face off against each other through a “mirror.”

23. Raiders of the Lost Ark (Steven Spielberg, 1981) – Arguably the greatest action adventure film ever made, Harrison Ford managed to find the perfect blend of charismatic and hammy for Indiana Jones.

22. Amelie (Jean Pierre-Jeunet, 2001) – My favorite French language film, it’s hard not to fall in love with Audrey Tautou as the magically playful title character.

21. Ragtime (Milos Forman, 1981) – Great ensemble cast with several different story threads that all converge by the end, Milos Forman is the only director with three films in my Top 25.

20. West Side Story (Jerome Robbins & Robert Wise, 1961) – It’s tough to get more entertaining than a movie that shows street gangs singing and dancing their way through their rundown neighborhood.

19. Ordinary People (Robert Redford, 1980) – While a young Timothy Hutton won a Best Supporting Actor Oscar for this film, and deservedly so, Donald Sutherland’s performance as his dad was every bit as good, if not more so, yet somehow, he wasn’t even nominated!

18. Airplane! (Abrahams, Zucker & Zucker, 1980) – Never before has a movie managed to pack more laugh lines into an 88 minute span.

17. The Sting (George Roy Hill, 1973) – It’s impossible not to love this Newman-Redford flick about two con men in the 1930s.

16. Being John Malkovich (Spike Jonze, 1999) – One of the most bizarre movie plots of all time and certainly the best instance of an actor playing himself.

15. Once Were Warriors (Lee Tamahori, 1994) – This indie film from New Zealand is at times startlingly violent and other times surprisingly tender, but at all times incredibly compelling.

14. Planet of the Apes (Franklin J. Schaffner, 1968) – I will admit that the acting and dialogue may not be the greatest, but I have some sort of primordial connection to this film that propels it to this lofty position on my list.

13. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (Milos Forman, 1975) – Nicholson’s performance in this film is one for the ages, but the supporting cast is pretty darn great too.

12. The Producers (Mel Brooks, 1968) – Mel Brooks has made several of the funniest movies of all time, including this one, which, in addition to just having a lot of laughs, also has a great plot and a bunch of incredible performances.

11. The Shining (Stanley Kubrick, 1980) – Another great Nicholson performance, this time in one of the greatest horror films ever made.

10. Monty Python and the Holy Grail (Terry Gilliam & Terry Jones, 1975) – The Pythons at their very best, while the Black Knight scene, the killer rabbit scene and the Knights Who Say Ni scene are all great, my favorite is the not as much talked about scene with John Cleese as Tim the Enchanter.

9. Play It Again, Sam (Herbert Ross, 1972) – Yes, it’s incredibly funny, but the thing that puts this movie over the top is how it both reveres and pokes fun at one of the greatest movies of all time.

8. Silence of the Lambs (Jonathan Demme, 1991) – Perhaps the most edge-of-your-seat, hair-raising thriller of all time, it forever changed the menu for people who drink chianti.

7. The Exorcist (William Friedkin, 1973) – The scariest movie ever made, period.

6. A Clockwork Orange (Stanley Kubrick, 1971) – Equal parts inventive, entertaining, and disturbing, once you’ve watched it you will never think about the song “Singing in the Rain” the same way again.

5. Amadeus (Milos Forman, 1974) – The story of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, told through the crazed eyes of his jealous rival, Antonio Salieri, is absolutely riveting.

4. Chariots of Fire (Hugh Hudson, 1981) – I adore this understated true story about two British track stars competing in the 1924 Olympics, and for a long time I considered this to be my favorite film.

3. Life is Beautiful (Roberto Benigni, 1998) – If you are going to do a comedy set in a concentration camp, you better hope that you do it perfectly, and Roberto Benigni managed to do just that.

2. Casablanca (Michael Curtiz, 1942) – The single most quotable film of all time, with the coolest leading man of all time, it’s impossible not to love this film.

1. The Graduate (Mike Nichols, 1967) – Not sure how to quantify what makes this film my favorite, other than to say that somehow the combination of the amazing Simon & Garfunkle score and the spot-on performance of Dustin Hoffman as the original film slacker, just connects with me on a level that no other movie can.

MY TOP 50 TV SHOWS

(Note: TV shows are pretty unique, because there is usually not one primary creative source behind them—like a musical artist for albums, or a director for film. There are often multiple creators of a TV show and obviously different directors for different episodes. So, since I love putting things in parentheses so much, instead of a name and a year, I’m putting in the year range and number of episodes. And with that, I will close my beloved parenthetical note.)

50. The Punisher (2017 – 2019, 26 episodes) – Watching Jon Bernthal play the title character beat the crap out of anyone who gets in his way in this Netflix series is cathartic.

49. Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist (1995 – 2002, 81 episodes) – Comedian Jonathan Katz plods his way through each episode with a deliciously dry humor as he provides therapy to a vast array of stand-up comics in this Comedy Central animated series.

48. Scrubs (2001 – 2010, 182 episodes) – It’s load of fun to watch the trials and tribulations of Zach Braff as a young put-upon doctor at Sacred Heart Hospital, but it’s equally as fun to watch the antics of the many silly supporting characters.

47. Chuck (2007 – 2012, 91 episodes) – Just got into this series relatively recently, so while I still have a season-and-a-half to go, I am really enjoying the combo of comedy, action, and tension that this series starring Zachary Levi provides.

46. Better Off Ted (2009 – 2010, 26 episodes) – Sadly, this show was cancelled after just two seasons, but watching the ridiculous goings on at the soulless sci-tech company, Veridian Dynamics, is laugh-out-loud funny, particularly in the scenes with Portia de Rossi as the ruthless, unfeeling, boss who sticks to the company line no matter how unethical it might be.

45. Freaks and Geeks (1999 – 2000, 18 episodes) – This show, depicting the always funny and often heartwarming tales of teens at a suburban Detroit high school, launched the careers of Linda Cardellini, Seth Rogen, James Franco, and Jason Segal, and was inexplicably cancelled after just one season. 

44. Police Squad! (1982, 6 episodes) – After the success of the movie Airplane! the same gang made this hysterical mini-series, which then spawned the equally hysterical Naked Gun movies.

43. Parks and Recreation (2009 – 2015, 125 episodes) – This Amy Poehler vehicle is much funnier than you might expect a show about a government office to be, largely because of the all-star supporting cast like Nick Offerman as the enigmatic, stone-faced man’s man Ron Swanson, and Chris Pratt as the immature, clueless puppy dog, Andy Dwyer.

42. Sex and the City (1998 – 2004, 94 episodes) – This show about the exploits of Carrie Bradshaw and her three friends was very funny, but what elevates it is the fact that it was like a love letter to New York City.

41. Daredevil (2015 – 2018, 39 episodes) – I’m not a big comic book guy, but every episode of this Netflix series is action-packed and has me on the edge of my seat.

40. Star Trek: The Next Generation (1987 – 1994, 176 episodes) – Sure, I like the original series in all its campiness, but this series took Star Trek in a more dramatic direction with great sci-fi storylines and a tour de force acting turn by Patrick Stewart as Captain Jean Luc Picard.

39. Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013 – present, 131 episodes) – Once I got past the fact that this is a show about Brooklyn cops, but somehow not one of them has a Brooklyn accent, I realized it’s actually very funny and Andy Samberg as the extremely productive, yet completely buffoonish super cop, Jake Peralta, is incredibly fun to watch.

38. Monty Python’s Flying Circus (1969 – 1974, 46 episodes) – Before the movies, of course, was this outrageously funny TV series, which contained everything I ever needed to know about spam and cheese.

37. House (2004 – 2012, 176 episodes) – Hugh Laurie gives one of the all-time great drama series performances as incredibly brilliant, incredibly arrogant, incredibly drug-addicted Dr. Gregory House.

36. The IT Crowd (2006 – 2013, 25 episodes) – This British sitcom about the misadventures of three IT guys working in the basement of a generic mega-company is laugh-out-loud funny in pretty much every episode.

35. 30 Rock (2006 – 2013, 138 episodes) – This very funny behind the scenes look at an NBC comedy sketch show included an endless array of guest spots by celebrities playing themselves, like Jerry Seinfeld, Tom Hanks, Condoleezza Rice, Larry King, Don Cheadle, Adam West, Martin Scorsese, and Oprah Winfrey, to name but a few.

34. Firefly (2002 – 2003, 14 episodes) – The most egregious instance of a series being terminated after just one season, this incredibly fun action, sci-fi, western launched the career of Nathan Fillion.

33. Boston Legal (2004 – 2008, 101 episodes) – The fascinating going-ons at a Boston law firm featured excellent performances by James Spader, Candice Bergen, and…wait a second… William Shatner!?!

32. All in the Family (1971 – 1979, 208 episodes) – Carol O’Connor gave us one of the most iconic characters in television history as the somehow simultaneously infuriating and loveable racist, Archie Bunker.

31. Castle (2009 – 2016, 173 episodes) – A sometimes fun, sometimes tense murder mystery comedy-drama, this series was so good due to the amazing chemistry between Nathan Fillion as Rick Castle and Stana Katic as Kate Beckett, which is kind of incredible because I’ve read they despised each other off screen.

30. The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (2017 – present, 26 episodes) – This show, about a wonderfully charismatic young woman from a traditional Jewish family in 1950s New York who leaves her husband and becomes a stand-up comic, is marvelously fun, marvelously funny, and marvelously unique.

29. The Walking Dead (2010 – present, 136 episodes) – Had this show maintained the level of quality from the first three seasons it would have easily made my Top 10, but though it jumped the shark several years ago, I still find myself watching this tense zombie drama.

28. Sneaky Pete (2015 – 2019, 30 episodes) – This Amazon series starring Giovanni Ribisi as an endearing con man, has you constantly holding your breath to see when and if the particular con he has going might go awry.

27. M*A*S*H (1972 – 1983, 251 episodes) – This iconic show about a medical army camp during the Korean War (which lasted much longer than the actual Korean War) will make you laugh and cry…sometimes at the same time.

26. Friends (1994 – 2004, 236 episodes) – There was nothing particularly revolutionary about this series, but the show was consistently funny and the chemistry of the six lead characters (who were basically the same age as me at the time of the series) was unmatched.

25. Better Call Saul (2015 – present, 40 episodes) – This excellent spin-off of “Breaking Bad,” which shows Saul Goodman’s life prior to meeting Walter White, gets nominated for Emmys in the Drama category, but often it is funnier than any comedy series out there.

24. The League (2009 – 2015, 84 episodes) – The antics of five best friends who have a hyper-competitive fantasy football league is often completely inappropriate, but always hysterically funny.

23. Santa Clarita Diet (2017 – present, 30 episodes) – Not for the faint of heart, this outrageously funny zombie sitcom shows a fair amount of gore, and features Drew Barrymore in the role of her life as an undead suburban housewife who needs to feast on human flesh to survive.

22. Modern Family (2009 – present, 236 episodes) – While this show has a great ensemble cast, it’s Ty Burrell as the ever-positive, magic-loving Phil Dunphy that makes this one of the great family-focused sitcoms of all time.

21. Stranger Things (2016 – present, 25 episodes) – Take one part X-Files, one part Spielberg, one part John Hughes, and mix it up in a secret underground science lab and voila, you’ve got this incredibly enjoyable, incredibly freaky Netflix show.

20. Sherlock (2010 – 2017, 15 episodes) – Benedict Cumberbatch is amazing as the arrogant genius, Sherlock Holmes, but it’s Martin Freeman as Dr. John Watson whose impeccably nuanced performances will break your heart.

19. Family Guy (1999 – present, 331 episodes) – This show borrowed (maybe stole) the concept of “The Simpsons” and took it in a deliciously outrageous direction as we watch the exploits of the Griffin family, whose moral arbiter is a pragmatic talking dog.

18. The Office (2005 – 2013, 188 episodes) – While I like the British version too, the American series, featuring some of the funniest characters of all time—like Dwight Schrute, Jim Halpert, and of course, Michael Scott—is the one I latched onto.

17. Californication (2007 – 2014, 84 episodes) – David Duchovny gives an incredible performance as the out-of-control writer addicted to every vice known to man, but his supporting cast is equally as fun to watch.

16. St. Elsewhere (1982 – 1988, 137 episodes) – This extremely moving, always compelling show about the staff of a Boston hospital launched the careers of a couple of people you may have heard of, like Howie Mandel and Denzel Washington.

15. The Big Bang Theory (2007 – 2019, 280 episodes) – This joyful celebration of geek culture, which is essentially “Friends” for scientists, is hysterically funny and gave us one of the most iconic characters of all time in Sheldon Cooper.

14. 3rd Rock From the Sun (1996 – 2001, 139 episodes) – This show, featuring John Lithgow as the high commander of a four-person crew that comes to Earth and poses as humans to learn about their ways, is so, so, so funny and includes my favorite Thanksgiving episode from any TV show.

13. The Honeymooners (1955 – 1956, 39 episodes) – A short-lived sitcom from the early days of television, the interactions between Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden and Art Carney as Ed Norton are absolutely priceless.

12. Cheers (1982 – 1993, 271 episodes) – Ted Danson was great as Sam Malone, the womanizing retired ballplayer, but the supporting characters—Carla, Norm, Cliff, Woody, Fraiser—stole the show with their hysterical side comments.

11. The Simpsons (1989 – present, 663 episodes) – While I have to admit that I haven’t really watched the series in more than a few years, this show is hysterical and groundbreaking and forever changed the landscape for TV animation.

10. Everybody Loves Raymond (1996 – 2005, 210 episodes) – Comedian Ray Romano as sportswriter Ray Barone was great, but what really makes this show amazing is his relationship to the rest of his family, particularly his mother, whose guilt trips sometimes hit a bit too close to home.

9. Arrested Development (2003 – 2019, 84 episodes) – This series, that follows the antics of the Bluth’s, the most whack-job family in the history of television, contains some of the funniest scenes I have ever seen on the small screen.

8. Monk (2002 – 2009, 125 episodes) – Tony Shalhoub’s funny and endearing portrayal of the obsessive compulsive San Francisco detective Adrian Monk earned him three Emmy awards, and rightfully so.

7. The Twilight Zone (1959 – 1964, 156 episodes) – This iconic series forever changed the path of television sci-fi and horror and has dozens of episodes that are cultural touchstones.

6. The Odd Couple (1970 – 1975, 114 episodes) – The best buddy comedy television has ever seen, the interplay between Jack Klugman as Oscar and Tony Randall as Felix is perfection.

5. The X-Files (1993 – 2018, 217 episodes) – David Duchovny as the paranormal believing FBI agent Fox Mulder, and Gillian Anderson as his non-believing partner, had amazing chemistry in this always fascinating, often freaky series that really ended in 2002 before an ill-advised comeback in 2016.

4. Seinfeld (1989 – 1998, 173 episodes) – The writing on this show was so good it has actually entered our vernacular with phrases like “No soup for you,” and “Hello, Newman.”

3. Breaking Bad (2008 – 2013, 62 episodes) – Arguably the greatest drama series of all time, the way Bryan Cranston slowly, but surely, transformed the character of Walter White from an unassuming, nerdy chemistry teacher, to a sinister, sociopathic crime lord, is the pinnacle of television acting.

2. The Wonder Years (1988 – 1993, 115 episodes) – No show ever portrayed the pain and wonder of coming of age better than this one that followed the trials and tribulations of Kevin Arnold as he tried to make sense of his life in suburbia during the Vietnam era.

1. Taxi (1978 – 1983, 114 episodes) – Following the lives of the drivers of the Sunshine Cab Company is a simple premise, but no show in the history of television has more heart or funnier supporting characters in Louie De Palma, Jim Ignatowski, and Latka Gravas.

MY TOP 50 BOOKS

(Note: I had every intention of doing a one-line write up on each of these books, just like I did for my other three lists. Unfortunately, I ran out of time and it was more important to me to get this blog published on my birthday. Besides—my blog, my rules. All I’ll say is that these are 50 books that I love and I highly recommend them all.)

50. The Yiddish Policemen’s Union (Michael Chabon, 2007)

49. Time Out of Joint (Philip K. Dick, 1959)

48. The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon (Stephen King, 1999)

47. The Sirens of Titan (Kurt Vonnegut, 1959)

46. Me Talk Pretty One Day (David Sedaris, 2000)

45. On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft (Stephen King, 2000)

44. Freak the Mighty (Rodman Philbrick, 1993)

43. The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror (Christopher Moore, 2004)

42. What If?: Serious Scientific Answers to Absurd Hypothetical Questions (Randall Munroe, 2014)

41. The Da Vinci Code (Dan Brown, 2003)

40. The Princess Bride (William Goldman, 1973)

39. If Beale Street Could Talk (James Baldwin, 1974)

38. The Hundred-Foot Journey (Richard C. Morais, 2010)

37. Tourist Season (Carl Hiaasen, 1986)

36. Bears Discover Fire and Other Stories (Terry Bisson, 1993)

35. The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas (John Boyne, 2006)

34. Bloodsucking Fiends- A Love Story (Christopher Moore, 1995)

33. Born to Run (Bruce Springsteen, 2016)

32. The Sun Also Rises (Ernest Hemingway, 1926)

31. Stranger in a Strange Land (Robert A. Heinlein, 1961)

30. Motherless Brooklyn (Jonathan Lethem, 1999)

29. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (J.K. Rowling, 1998)

28. Into the Wild (Jon Krakauer, 1996)

27. Mother Night (Kurt Vonnegut, 1962)

26. Everything is Illuminated (Jonathan Safran Foer, 2002)

25. The Wisdom of Insecurity (Alan Watts, 1951)

24. Life of Pi (Yann Martel, 2001)

23. The Sneetches and Other Stories (Dr. Seuss, 1961)

22. The Shepherd, the Angel, and Walter the Christmas Miracle Dog (Dave Barry, 2006)

21. The Lock Artist (Steve Hamilton, 2010)

20. Survivor (Chuck Palahniuk, 1999)

19. The Time Traveler’s Wife (Audrey Niffenegger, 2003)

18. Player Piano (Kurt Vonnegut, 1952)

17. The Devil in the White City: Murder, Magic, and Madness at the Fair that Changed America (Erik Larson, 2003)

16. The One and Only Ivan (Katherine Applegate, 2010)

15. The Fortress of Solitude (Jonathan Lethem, 2003)

14. Practical Demonkeeping (Christopher Moore, 1992)

13. In Cold Blood (Truman Capote, 1966)

12. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (J.K. Rowling, 1999)

11. On the Road (Jack Kerouac, 1957)

10. Cat’s Cradle (Kurt Vonnegut, 1963)

9. The Book Thief (Markus Zusak, 2005)

8. The Chosen (Chaim Potok, 1967)

7. Lolita (Vladimir Nabokov, 1955)

6. Interview With the Vampire (Anne Rice, 1976)

5. The Plot Against America (Philip Roth, 2004)

4. Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet (Jamie Ford, 2009)

3. The Great Gatsby (F. Scott Fitzgerald, 1925)

2. The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay (Michael Chabon, 2000)

1. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams, 1979)

For those of you who stuck it out to the end of this tome, thanks for indulging me on my 50^th birthday. Let’s do this again in 50 years when I’ll provide my Top 100 lists for each of these categories. Until then, happy viewing and reading!

The Boss of Milestones

Next month will be daunting—mentally and psychologically daunting.

Next month comes with a milestone birthday that, no matter how I look at it, will make me feel old.

Next month, exactly one week after I turn 50, Bruce Springsteen turns 70, and that is a milestone I can’t wrap my mind around.

For me, turning 50 is no big deal. I’ve felt like I was 50 since I was 38, but now, at least, I’ll get the benefits that come with AARP. But The Boss turning 70 is just too much for me to handle.

Springsteen represents the wild rebellion of youth. His music, when he was at the height of his popularity, was about cutting loose with friends and the promise of summer and the ache and thrill of young love. It was about being born to run and racing in the street and dancing in the dark. It was not about getting old; growing up, maybe—but not getting old.

I was five years old when the album Born to Run came out. I’m not sure exactly when it arrived in our house, but I am sure that it was my brother Mark, seven years my senior, who purchased it. But it wasn’t until a few years later that I got hooked. Sometime in fifth grade I started to listen to music obsessively, and Born to Run was the album I listened to more than any other. After weeks of constant play I had every lyric of every song memorized. It was far and away my favorite album at the time and four decades later it remains my favorite album.

Four decades later—whew! It’s a very long time and I fully understand that people age. Four decades later I take blood pressure medication on a daily basis, and have had colonoscopies, and grow hair in weird places. I have aged in four decades, but every time I listen to Springsteen I’m transported back to my youth. And next month, the man who transports me back there turns 70.

Of course, the truth is that Springsteen at 70 will be considerably more youthful than I will be at 50.  I’ve seen him in concert four times, most recently in 2012, and the amount of energy this guy had on stage was mind-boggling. The Boss was doing things up there at 63 that I wouldn’t have been able to do at 23. And I’m not even talking about the musical stuff, which of course, I couldn’t do; I’m talking about the athleticism and the exuberance that he displayed for three straight hours. If I tried to match that for 15 minutes I’d need a defibrillator.

But that concert was seven years ago. How am I to know if Springsteen is still able to muster that kind of energy as he approaches his septuagenarian years? Well, the evidence is overwhelming. Since that night The Boss has played 204 more concerts, published an autobiography, released two albums, and did a run of 236 shows on Broadway. And I just found out last week that my sister-in-law’s friend works out at the same hole-in-the wall gym that he goes to regularly in Central Jersey. Apparently, Bruce was born to run on the treadmill.

So maybe it’s not so much the number 70 attached to Springsteen that’s making me feel old. It is just a number after all. Maybe it’s that as I hit 50, I see this iconic rocker from my youth, who is 20 years older than me, still making noise, while the only noise I make is the groan I emit when I emerge from my recliner.

So happy 70^th, Bruce! And thank you for making the music that brings me back to my younger days. Now excuse me while I take my afternoon nap.

Why Y2K Was A-OK

December 31, 1999 was supposed to be the end of the world, or at the very least, the end of the civilized world. All technology was supposed to go haywire simultaneously, causing massive power outages, unprecedented transportation snarls, and a permanent rift between the Mario Brothers. This was all supposed to be brought on by the fact that the internal clocks inside computers were going to turn over from 12/31/99 to 1/1/00 and the top programmers in the world had no idea what that might do. Those who get paid lots of money to figure these types of things out were torn between thinking we would experience Armageddon or absolutely nothing. Needless to say, tension levels were running high.

Companies across the globe were making all kinds of preparations for a possible doomsday scenario. The company I worked for at the time—a seedy herbal remedies outfit with a CEO who was a paranoiac Tony Robbins wannabe—was no different in this regard. My company used a lot of technology and the last quarter of 1999 was hyper-focused on figuring out how to make sure the business wouldn’t come to a grinding halt once the New Year arrived. But I really had nothing to do with these frantic preparations because I was merely the marketing writer and my knowledge of technology at the time didn’t go further than “insert floppy disk here.”

So while all the IT guys were running around the office fretting about their DOS and their ROM and their BIOS and their RAM, I had lots of time to think about what the potential end of the world might mean for me on a personal level. I was a 30-year-old single man inhabiting a small one-bedroom apartment in Tempe, Arizona. I had a low-paying job, a beat up 1988 Oldsmobile, and way too much credit card debt. Things may have looked bleak, but I did have an ace in my back pocket. I had a girl. And that girl changed everything.

Her name was Nicole and I had met her in the Fall of 1998. She was smart, funny, beautiful, and she laughed at every lame joke I told. The only problem was, she was dating someone else and for the first nine months that I knew her we were in the dreaded “just friends” zone. This was a zone I was acutely familiar with, having been relegated to it by a variety of women for most of my adult (and teen, and pre-teen, and childhood) life. But this time something felt different. There was a connection between us that gave me some confidence that I would be able to break out of the “just friends” zone and find my way into another, wholly unfamiliar, but much more exciting zone that I didn’t even have a name for yet.

We hung out a lot. When she wasn’t with her boyfriend she was with me. We watched movies, browsed at record shops, and went out to eat. One day we met for lunch at an Einstein’s Bagels at noon and were kicked out by the workers at 6 PM when they closed. Neither one of us had any idea that six hours had passed as we sat there and talked. (Although I should have had a clue when I took one last bite of my bagel toward the end of our stay and the cream cheese tasted like a sailor’s foot.)

As our relationship strengthened, Nicole’s relationship with her boyfriend weakened. I was a perfect gentleman, though, and never overstepped my bounds. But when the two of them broke up in the early summer of 1999, I was the first person she called for comfort. We went out to eat and I did bad magic tricks to cheer her up. I remained the perfect gentleman, though, and had no intention of taking advantage of her in a vulnerable situation. But apparently she had other ideas and not long after her breakup we were a couple. I had finally left the “just friends” zone behind.

Although we just started dating in July, we were building on a nine-month relationship, so we had already had tons of the getting to know you conversations. Of course, we were still getting to know each other, but we had a tremendous head start on most new couples. And that’s why, just a few months later, as everyone was making their Y2K doomsday preparations, my thoughts didn’t turn to the end of the world, but the beginning of a new life, with Nicole by my side. I decided I would propose to my girl, and what better time to do it than New Year’s Eve 1999?

I became even more frantic with preparations than the IT guys trying to stave off techno-chaos.  I intended everything to be a complete surprise, so my preparations were done in secret. I bought a ring, made reservations at a fancy restaurant, and rented a Jaguar so we could drive around in style. Days after I placed the reservation for the car, Nicole and I were driving around in my Oldsmobile when a Jaguar drove past. I asked her what she thought of that car and she said, “Uck! Jaguars are ugly.” Gulp. “What’s your favorite luxury car?” I asked. “A Lexus,” she said immediately. Next day I canceled the reservation on the hideous Jaguar and made a new one for a beautiful Lexus.

On December 31, 1999, I was a nervous man. Not nervous like most people, who were concerned about society going back to the Stone Age as soon as the clock hit midnight, but rather because I was about to ask the woman of my dreams a question I had never asked anyone before. What if she said, “No?”

I was pretty confident that she would say, “Yes!” but that didn’t stop the butterflies all throughout the day. Fortunately, the butterflies faded a bit when I picked her up in the Lexus and she had exactly the reaction of joy and excitement I was hoping for. (Thank the lord I didn’t get that repulsive Jaguar!) We went to our favorite Italian restaurant and had a delicious and romantic dinner and then we headed back to my apartment. It was show time.

Before we got out of the car, I blindfolded her. No, this wasn’t how most of our dates ended, but on this occasion there was something I had to do without her seeing. I led her into the apartment, blindfold in place, got a Zippo and began lighting the dozens of candles I had strategically placed throughout my living room and dining room. Then I put on a Frank Sinatra CD, removed her blindfold and asked her to dance. She was sufficiently giddy, but when “The Way You Look Tonight” ended and I dropped to one knee, she got even giddier. I whipped out the ring and popped the question and mercifully she said, “Yes!” pretty much right away. It was about 10:30 PM at this point and neither one of us could have been happier—even if the world was potentially going to end in 90 minutes.

Of course, 90 minutes later, the world did not end. All the Y2K disaster predictions turned out to be unwarranted and were probably just a ploy by IT guys to get paid lots of money to do busy work they knew all along was unnecessary. On January 1, 2000 life went along much as usual, except that now there were at least two people whose lives together were just about to begin. (I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that Nicole and I weren’t the only two people who got engaged that night.)

Nicole and I have been together ever since, as the cliché goes, “through good times and bad,” and no amount of technological doomsday scenarios will keep us apart. To this day while others think of Y2K in the context of “terrible tragedy averted,” I think “amazing future started.” (And I breathe I sigh of relief that I ditched that reprehensible Jaguar.)

Happy couple hours before Y2K hits.

What's Your M.O.?

My wife sometimes (but not often) gives me way more credit for being clever than I deserve. And when this happens, chaos enters our lives. I’m not talking about the kind of major chaos that ends with tear gas and rubber bullets, but rather the kind that ends with me being thoroughly confused and scratching my head until a small bald spot appears.

Every weekend my wife and I create a shopping list of the groceries our family will need for the upcoming week. We use a template we have honed over the years, that categorizes the groceries by aisle. This is necessary since I’m the one who usually does the actual shopping and I need all the help I can get to figure out exactly where the items are that I need to purchase.

This week, however, we did not use our shopping template. The kids finished school on Thursday and I took PTO for a couple of days, so I guess our normal life rhythm was a bit off and it led to us spontaneously creating a shopping list on a small yellow notepad, rather than sticking to our trusty template. It was pandemonium.

On a normal shopping day I go through the list carefully before leaving the house, in case there is anything I’m not sure about, like the amount of cucumbers we need, or the brand of tortilla chips we want, or what in the heck “Swiss chard” is. (Is that a cheese or a vegetable?) Even though we mostly create the list together, my wife will sometimes jot items down when I’m not in the room, so it’s good for me to review before heading to the store. But this past weekend, with our life rhythm off and the non-templated list in hand, I forgot to review before exiting the house. Mistake.

At first, everything was going swimmingly. I understood that “M&C Cups” meant Mac & Cheese cups and I correctly deduced that “Frozen Corn” likely referred to corn kernels rather than corn cobs; but suddenly, I hit a roadblock. In between “Plasticware” and “Lemons” was “M.O.’s – 4.” Hmmm…what are “M.O.’s,” I wondered. On the one hand, it was not something that came to me instantly, on the other, it must be something we get regularly, since my wife thought the abbreviation would make it obvious to a simpleton like me.

Normally, in a situation like this, I would just call and ask what this item was, but right before I left the house, my wife said she was going to take a nap. While I couldn’t be certain she was still asleep, I didn’t want to wake her if she was, so I decided to text rather than call. I figured a phone call would obnoxiously wake her, while the quick “ding” of a text would just get her attention if she were awake but not really rouse her if she were asleep. (She’s a heavy sleeper.)

So I texted, “I don’t know what M.O.’s are.” I stood for about 30 seconds in front of the pickles and got no response, so I figured she was asleep. But I wasn’t going to give up. I was determined to figure out what M.O.’s were and purchase four of them before I left. My plan was to walk up and down the aisles while I did the rest of the shopping and keep my eyes peeled for some M.O.’s, while also holding out some hope that my wife would wake up and text me back before I checked out.

Standing as I was, in front of the pickles, I happened to be next to the olives, which seemed promising. My wife loves olives and I can’t stand them, so maybe it was some sort of olive that I don’t eat. The first thing that entered my head was “maraschino olives,” but then I realized that “maraschino” is a type of cherry, not an olive. I know that “Greek olives” are a thing, so I wondered if “Mexican olives” might also be a thing. I scanned the entire olive section jar by jar, but no Mexican olives surfaced. It probably wasn’t olives.

My next thought was onions. We use onions a lot and it’s not unreasonable to think we might need four of them for a recipe, so I wondered if “M.O.” meant “mild onions.” But I don’t know if I ever saw an onion described as “mild” on one of our shopping lists. Usually we identify onions by their color—red, white, or yellow; never by their disposition—mild, jaunty, or aggressive. So I ruled out onions.

While I was contemplating produce, I considered oranges. But within the context of oranges, what could the “M” mean? As with olives, I considered the possibility of “Mexican oranges.” Living as we do in Arizona, there is a good chance that some of our oranges are imported from Mexico, but I don’t know that my wife would refer to a fruit by its country of origin. “Can you pick us up some of those Chilean bananas?” has never come out of my wife’s mouth before, so I dismissed the idea of “Mexican oranges.”

A few minutes later I walked into the cereal aisle and spent a good amount of time contemplating “milled oats,” which is an actual thing. We have occasionally purchased oatmeal and maybe even oats once or twice throughout our almost 19 years of wedded bliss, but were those oats, in fact, milled? And really, even if they were milled, why would my wife assume I would understand “M.O.” meant “milled oats,” since it may have been half a dozen years since the last time we purchased anything like this.  I stared deeply into the eyes of the Quaker Oats man, with his fancy dark blue hat and long, billowy white hair. “Does my wife want milled oats?” I asked shaking the container. Then I realized this wasn’t a Magic 8-Ball, so I put it back on the shelf and left the aisle.

Several aisles later, I found myself in front of the cookies and had a eureka moment. “Mini Oreos!” I shouted, much to the dismay of the old woman across from me snagging a box of Lorna Doones. I thought I was onto something here. While the product is technically called “Oreo Minis,” in our house we commonly refer to them as “Mini Oreos” and we purchase them on a regular basis. But my initial euphoria began to subside as I thought about this purchase more deeply. There were two main challenges to this being the solution to the “M.O.’s – 4” conundrum: 1) I knew for a fact, we had a mostly full package of these cookies at home; and 2) We never, EVER have purchased four packages of Oreo Minis at once. Why would we possibly start now? As much as I wanted this to be correct, in my heart of hearts, I knew that it was not.

I moved on dejectedly, and was nearing the end of the shopping list without one, let alone four, “M.O.’s” in my cart. I decided to stop by the bakery aisle and get my wife a slice of white cake (her favorite) to ease the pain of her husband’s failure in the “M.O.” department. As I headed to the checkout line, I continued to wrack my brain for an answer.

Minced oregano? No.

Marinated oysters? No.

Mauve orchids? No.

Maximum Overdrive? No.

Michael O’Keefe? No.

I got to the checkout line and knew that at this point there was no turning back. I started placing my products on the conveyor belt and as I put my last item down, I felt my phone buzz inside my pocket. I had just received a text. I grabbed my phone and looked at the two words on the screen—“Mandarin oranges.” Ah, yes—my wife eats those things like they’re going out of style. But that night she settled for cake instead.

Next week, we’re going back to the shopping template.

A Picture’s Worth 1,000 Words – Or in this case, 379

Can you figure out what’s happening to me in the above photo? Look closely. No, closer than that. Closer. Okay, not that close, you’ll bang your nose against the monitor.

Perhaps you think I’m inside a dimly lit tent in the middle of a dense forest during a rainstorm; or maybe you think I shrunk down to Ant-Man size and am caught between hair follicles on a dog in a bathtub; or maybe you think I’m about to meet my demise at the hands of a new Lovecraftian creature on an episode of Stranger Things. While these are all fascinating possibilities, and I commend you for your creativity, the truth is far more terrifying.

The reality is I took this picture from inside my Hyundai Elantra while going through a carwash. Startling, but true.

Now I understand that going through a carwash while seated inside your vehicle is perfectly safe and your chances of getting killed are not all that high, but the darkness and the loudness and the objects furiously beating down on the glass just inches from my face, always sets my heart a-pounding. But I’m not saying I don’t like it—quite the contrary, in the same way I like to jump out of my seat during a good horror movie, I enjoy the claustrophobic suspense provided by a good automobile sudsing. That’s right, some people seek out roller coasters for a cheap thrill ride, but for me, nothing is better than a trip to the car wash.

For all you skeptics out there who have been through carwashes many times and didn’t find them particularly thrilling, I say you are doing it wrong. Next time you need your car washed, do what I do—lean your seat back as far as it will go, loosen your shirt, take off your shoes, get out your bag of popcorn, and then stare wide-eyed while you enjoy the gripping 120-second ride of your life. Then quickly drive back around and see if the ticket-taker will let you go again!

Yes, if you do a carwash the right way, it’s a breathtaking, hair-raising, blood-tingling experience. I’m not sure how you could have much more fun…unless you went through on a motorcycle. Time to get my “Class M” license!

The Cat in the Frat Comes Back

Monday morning there was a minor mystery in the Schwartzberg household.

It started out like any other day. My alarm went off at 6:05 and I hit the snooze button. It went off again at 6:14 and I begrudgingly got out of bed, replacing the sound of the alarm with the sound of creaking—whether it be of my bed or my bones, I could not tell. I took a shower and got dressed. I walked into the living room and saw our grey cat, Muffin, standing in the hallway looking at me with her usual “feed me” stare and our black cat, Ping, curled up in a comfy ball on the couch. I proceeded to the kitchen and started making lunch for myself and my two sons.

At 6:40 I abruptly stopped mid-stroke while slathering a piece of bread with mayo and went back down the hallway to start waking up the boys. I spent 30 seconds attempting to wake each boy with barely any kind of response at all and then headed back to the kitchen to continue sandwich making. I repeated this process every five minutes, becoming slightly more aggressive with each successive attempt, until slowly, but surely, the boys started to wake up. The goal is to get them out of bed and getting ready for school by 7:00. I usually have more success with my younger son than my older son. This is our routine. It plays out every morning.

After 7:00 I was finalizing lunches and starting to get breakfast ready—usually cereal or waffles. The younger lad was out and eating by about 7:05, while his older brother was in his room with his door closed, presumably getting dressed—a process that somehow always takes the better part of 20 minutes. It’s during this timeframe that I normally feed the cats. The moment I put a finger on the cat food dish, Muffin came racing over, like a fuzzy, feline Usain Bolt. I fed her first in the kitchen, then walked down the hallway to feed Ping outside of our bedroom doors. While Ping isn’t as frantic about it as Muffin, he usually seems fairly anxious to follow me down the hallway to get fed. But not yesterday.

I walked down the hallway with food dish in hand and Ping was nowhere to be seen or heard. I called for him and heard nothing. I slowly walked back toward the living room gently shaking the food dish in the hopes of attracting him, but instead, Muffin, came running down the hall. Even though Muffin hadn’t finished her own food, I’m not surprised that she came at the sound of Ping’s food, since she seems to enjoy stealing his food more than eating her own. (It’s the same food—she’s just a brat.) And still, no Ping.

My younger son is obsessed with our cats and usually knows their whereabouts, so I asked him if he knew where Ping was and he had no clue. I knocked on my older son’s door and asked if Ping was in there with him and he said, “No,” so I moved on. I checked all the obvious spots like his cardboard mancave, the guest bathroom tub, and under our desks, but he wasn’t there. I had no idea where he could be, since we live in a small, three-bedroom house and all the bedroom doors were closed.

At 7:28 my older son finally came out of his room (we are supposed to leave at 7:30 to get them to school on time, so he now had all of two minutes to eat breakfast) and I asked him, “Are you sure Ping isn’t in your room?”

“He came in there earlier, when you were waking me up, but he’s not in there now,” he said.

Hmmm…I wondered. I went back into his room and looked around. The place looked like Delta House the morning after the toga party. It’s possible to hide several passed out frat boys under all the piles of junk strewn about, so losing an eight-pound cat in there is entirely plausible. I looked in the hole under his bed and found several dozen MAD magazines and a metric ton of Legos, but no cat. I looked under the sleeping bag, backpack and other mud-encrusted gear heaped in a corner from the camping trip he went on a month earlier, but no cat. I looked in his closet and saw piles of old clothes, video game guidebooks and schoolwork he forgot to turn in two years earlier, but still no cat. All the while I was gently shaking the food dish in the hopes that Ping’s hunger would make him surface. No luck at all and suddenly I realized that I spent too much time in the maze of pre-teen artifacts and it was now 7:32!

I ran out of the room, hustled the kids into the car and got them to school just as the bell was ringing. Normally, I would have gone straight to work at this point, but I was unsettled about Ping’s unknown whereabouts, so I headed back home. Once inside, I rechecked all the nooks and crannies in the living room, kitchen, and dining room that I had already checked and I came up empty. At that point, more than mildly concerned, I headed back down the hallway toward the bedrooms and as soon as I did, I heard the meowing…coming from my older son’s room. I opened the door and Ping casually walked out like nothing had happened. He had been hiding in my son’s pseudo frat house the whole time. Where he had been in that miasma of random junk when I searched for him earlier, I had no idea, but I quickly fed him and headed to work.

On my morning commute I made a mental note to have my son clean up his room—and search for any random wildlife that may have taken up residence.

Lessons Learned 2018

As 2018 draws to a close and 2019 rears its ugly head beautiful visage, it’s high time that I reflect on the many personal lessons I learned over the past twelve months. In honor of the upcoming New Year’s Eve countdown, I will start at lesson 10 and work my way down to lesson 1, which means when you finish reading the final lesson you need to throw confetti in the air and awkwardly kiss the person standing next to you. So without further ado, let the countdown begin…

10) Amazon Prime and Netflix are conspiring against me – It may sound paranoiac, but it’s clearly true. You would think between the two most popular streaming services, you would be able to view any movie you want to without having to pay extra, seeing as how you are already paying a monthly fee to subscribe to these platforms. Yet 90% of the time if I have a hankering for a specific film, I end up having to pay extra on Prime to watch it. Where the conspiracy comes in is the seemingly random (but clearly not) comings and goings of available movies on these separate services. On more than one occasion over the past year I’ve spent money renting or buying a film on Prime that magically appears on Netflix days later. Yes, Jeff Bezos and Reed Hastings are secretly watching me and doing everything they can to drive me insane.

9) Cats don’t like portion control – Our cat, Muffin, enjoys food. In fact, she enjoys it so much she will bully our other cat, Ping, out of the way in order to get to it. After almost a year of this behavior we started to notice Muffin getting wider and Ping getting narrower, so we decided to take action. Rather than leaving a large amount of food out at all times, we started putting a small amount of food out several times a day and feeding the cats in separate rooms. Muffin does not like this new procedure at all and has taken to incessant meowing whenever I walk within ten feet of her food dish. As an aspiring feline linguist I can tell you her meowing roughly translates to: “Hey moron, now that you’re in the kitchen are you going to feed me already??? I’ve been waiting at least nine minutes since the last time you fed me and I still gots nothing! Maybe you need a claw to the eye you simpering buffoon!” But I haven’t caved yet and the protective eyewear has been helpful.

8) Bluetooth serves a real purpose besides making people look pretentious – Nothing makes me roll my eyes faster than seeing someone walking down the street seemingly talking to themselves, before I notice they have a small electronic device dangling on the side of their face. I always wonder if these folks secretly want to be air traffic controllers but are just too lazy to get the proper training. But then one day, a couple of months ago, I needed to be on a phone meeting at the same time I had to pick my kids up from school. “Gee I wonder if there is a way I can take this call without having to hold my phone up to my ear while driving,” I thought. So I reluctantly borrowed my wife’s Bluetooth device and my eyes were opened to a whole new reality, when I realized that the advantage of this technology is that it’s convenient! Who knew? And it didn’t even bother me that everyone who drove by while I was using the Bluetooth looked at me like I was pretentious.

7) I love bibimbap! – No, I didn’t just have a seizure and hit random keys while I was typing—“bibimbap” is an actual word. (FYI – the last part of the word is pronounced “bop,” not “bap.”) It is the name of a common Korean dish, which I tried for the first time in 2018. My wife, who is Korean by birth, but was adopted by an American family when she was one, has been exploring her ancestral roots, including the food of her homeland. As it turns out, there is a Korean restaurant less than a mile from our house, which she has been frequenting and giving rave reviews. In particular, she was singing the praises of a dish called “bibimbap.” Eventually my curiosity was piqued enough for me to join her on one of her excursions and when I tasted the weirdly named entree, my mind was blown. The visually stunning dish consisted of sizzling vegetables and tofu (don’t worry carnivores, they make meat-centric bibimbap, too) on a bed of rice with a fried egg strategically placed on top. While it seemed like an odd combination of foods, causing me to insert my fork with a bit of trepidation, it turned out to be outrageously delicious. Yes, bibimbap looks great, tastes great, and is a lot of fun to say! 

6) If you miss David Bowie, check out Arctic Monkeys – Or at least check out their song Tranquility Base Hotel & Casino, which sounds like they are channeling David Bowie. While I had vaguely heard of this band, I knew nothing about them until earlier this year when a young coworker and I were chatting about music and he suggested I check out the aforementioned song. I did and was glad to do so, because I very much enjoyed the ethereal, Bowie-esque sound to the tune. As a confirmed music curmudgeon who prefers stuff from the old days, I rarely go out of my way to listen to new artists, but in this case, it was the right move. Besides, how fun is it to say “Arctic Monkeys?” Almost as fun as saying “bibimbap!” (And if I ever saw an arctic monkey eating bibimbap, it would make my day.)

5) My 12-year old son has a crazy amount of knowledge about European sports cars – I’m not a car guy and never have been. If a cool looking car drives by me, the chances are excellent I will not know the make or model and would only be able to describe it with words like “blue” or “fast.” Yet in the last couple of months my older son has been constantly talking about Ferraris and Lamborghinis and Bugattis (which I had never even heard of until he mentioned it.) How in the world did he know about these cars when his dad couldn’t tell you the difference between a Toyota and a Schwinn? Video games, of course. Turns out he plays an online game where you can earn “money” to “buy” these various vehicles. Now he thinks he might one day buy a Bugatti in real life, but I looked up the price and I’m fairly sure if he attempted such a purchase he’d go “bankrupt.”

4) My 9-year-old son knows the word “DYSENTERY” – While I am rarely surprised anymore by my younger son’s extensive vocabulary, I was taken aback when he played the word “DYSENTERY” during a game of Bananagrams. I became aware that he played this word when I heard him giggling, so I looked away from my own words to see what he had played. I was initially very impressed when I saw he had played a 9-letter word, but was a bit less proud when I noticed the words he connected to it were “FARTED” and “TOILET.” Apparently he was playing a themed version of Bananagrams. 

3) The kid who played the lead in A Christmas Story went on to play Ming-Ming in Elf – My wife turned me on to this interesting factoid. It turns out that Peter Billingsley, who played the lead in arguably the most beloved Christmas movie of the 1980s, also played the elf who managed Santa’s workshop in arguably the most beloved Christmas movie of the 2000s. I’ve seen both movies many times but would never have made that connection without the guidance of my loving spouse. See, marriage really does pay off in the end!

2) The best way to unclog a toilet is through unmitigated rage – One of my sons (who shall remain nameless) has a tendency to clog our toilets. Several times a month he comes out of the bathroom and announces that the toilet is backed up, yet again. This usually causes mild irritation on my part (is the kid using a tree’s worth of toilet paper?) but I plunge away and 90% of the time clear the clog on the first try. Sometimes it takes two or three attempts, but I still finish the job without having to break much of a sweat. That is until about a month ago. Our nameless son came into the living room and made his predictable announcement, so I rolled up my sleeves, entered the bathroom and commenced plunging. Once…twice…three times—no progress. I ended up wrestling with the toilet off and on all night and even got out the auger that we had purchased years earlier, but never used before. (Turns out operating an auger is equal parts grueling and disgusting, and, in my case, completely unsuccessful.) The clog persisted into the next day when I purchased a toilet plunger (apparently I was just using a generic plunger—who knew?) specially built to tackle such clogs. New tool in hand, I continued to plunge away and still had no luck. Conversations about hiring a plumber started to occur that evening and deep down in my soul, a simmering rage began to develop, as my manhood was challenged. I slept poorly that night, contemplating having to spend $100 an hour to hire someone for a job I should be able to do on my own. The next morning, I woke up muttering to myself, grabbed the toilet plunger, and had at the clog with a furor hitherto unseen in the Schwartzberg household. Hot anger coursing through my veins, I thrust the plunger repeatedly into the bowl like a raving madman…and amazingly, the clog cleared! I ripped off my shirt and started flexing my biceps, while grunting at the toilet, as though I were the featured performer at Wrestlemania. As I calmed down I realized that I defeated the clog, not with a plunger, or an auger, or a toilet plunger, but with unmitigated rage. I recommend it highly for all your plumbing needs.

1) If I don’t blog monthly there won’t be rioting in the streets – When I started this blog in 2012, I originally thought I would write an entry weekly. After all, I had written a weekly column for the Arizona Republic for the better part of four years, so why couldn’t I continue to write weekly for my blog? Well, it turns out the answer to that question is that I don’t have a deadline and nobody is paying me, which were pretty significant motivators during my Republic days. So my weekly blog soon turned to biweekly, which soon turned to monthly. When I got to monthly, I thought I’d found the right pace, and I kept it up pretty consistently for a few years. But this year, the monthly blog somehow got away from me, and I went without an entry in February, September, and November. When I first skipped a month I thought, “Oh crap, what’s going to happen? Will I get angry letters from readers? Will people picket outside my house? Will I find a dead hedgehog in my mailbox?” But none of those things happened and life kept on clicking along. The same lack of outrage occurred when I skipped months later on in the year and I finally realized that I don’t have to put pressure on myself to write monthly. Indeed, I should only blog when I have something to say. So in 2019, I may have one blog entry or I may have 50. And I won’t stress out about the frequency of my entries. That’s right—my New Year’s resolution is to do less, not more!