I’d Like to Thank the Academy for Getting Me Through My Dental Cleaning

Today I had a dental cleaning—one of life’s many necessary evils. Indeed, it is one of the more evil of the necessary evils. The thing that makes them particularly heinous to me is the fact that the dental hygienist is in close proximity to various numbing agents, but it never seems to occur to her to use them. Maybe she figures that the discomfort she inflicts by digging under my gums with metal scraping instruments is the kind of thing a strapping adult male like me should easily tolerate. Or perhaps she figures that the overt pleasantness she exudes during the procedure should itself act like an anesthetic upon my throbbing mouth. Well, in either case she’d be wrong. She cleans while I suffer.

Over the years, though, I’ve developed a pretty solid method for at least tolerating my dental cleanings without crying like a babe fresh out of the womb. To take my mind off the violence going on inside my oral orifice, I concentrate extremely hard on one of two things—Scrabble or the Oscars. If it’s a Scrabble dental cleaning day, I think about what club and tournament players call “bingo stems.” That’s a series of six common letters that, when combined with another letter, can get you a seven letter word and a 50-point bonus. So, for example, the bingo stem “SATINE” when combined with an A gets you ENTASIA or TAENIAS. I’ll mentally go through the whole alphabet trying to remember every seven letter word you can get from “SATINE” and once done I’ll move on to “SATIRE,” and so on. Usually, by the time I get to the bingo stem “STONER” it’s time to rinse and spit, and my agony is over.

Today, however, knowing that the Academy Award nominees would be announced, I decided to make it one of my Oscar dental cleaning days. I start with the year I was born—1969—and go through year by year up to the present, trying to remember what won the Oscar for Best Picture. So when the scraping of my bottom back molars began I instantly thought, “1969 – Midnight Cowboy. Great movie. Gritty—just like my teeth are starting to get from the scraping.” For the next 15 minutes I continued my personal coping strategy…

1970 – Patton. Guess it was okay but kind of (Ouch! That was a nerve!) overrated.

1971 – The French Connection. At one point Gene Hackman drives past my high school in the famous chase scene. Cool!

1972 – The Godfather. I bet if my dental hygienist touched Don Corleone this way she’d end up sleeping with the fishes.

1973 – The Sting. Yup, felt the sting on my lateral incisor just now.

1974 – The Godfather Part II. Great movie, but I still can’t understand how anyone thinks it’s better than the first one.

1975 – One Flew Over the (Owwww! You caught my lip!) Cuckoo’s Nest. What I wouldn’t give for some of the sedatives McMurphy took right about now.

1976 – Rocky. The first one of the best pictures I saw in the theater. By round 15, Balboa’s mouth was only slightly bloodier than mine is at the moment.

1977 – Annie Hall. Woody at his finest. I bet he thinks about baseball during dental cleanings.

1978 – The Deer Hunter. I can’t believe I still haven’t gotten around to (Yikes! Watch it with that thing, it’s sharp!) seeing it.

1979 – Kramer vs. Kramer. The first year I remember watching the Oscars. Rooted for Dustin Hoffman to win Best Actor and was ecstatic when he did! I was not like other kids my age.

1980 – Ordinary People. I know everyone thinks Raging Bull got robbed, but I still prefer Ordinary People.

1981 – Chariots of Fire. One of my favorite (Ahhh! Another nerve!!) movies of all time.

1982 – Gandhi. Okay, this time I was like normal kids and rooted for E.T. I wonder what dental cleanings are like on his planet.

1983 – Terms of Endearment. Give me the shot! GIVE ME THE SHOT!

1984 – Amadeus. Another one of my favorites. What the hell ever happened to Tom Hulce?

1985 – Out of Africa. What a snooze-fest. I’d rather have another dental cleaning than see that dreck agaAAAAAAAHHHHH. Okay, maybe not.

1986 – Platoon. Very good movie—remember almost nothing about it.

1987 – The Last Emperor. Another one I need to see…when I have three hours to kill.

1988 – Rain Man. Another Dustin (Whoa! Here she goes with that sucky thingy!) Hoffman classic.

1989 – Driving Miss Daisy. Tough to know what was slower moving—Miss Daisy’s car or the movie.

1990 – Dances With Wolves. All I can think about are canine teeth! Canine teeth! Please get off my canine teeth!

1991 – Silence of the Lambs. Hannibal Lecter would be (Aaaargggghh!) enjoying himself about now.

1992 – Unforgiven. I thought I didn’t like westerns. I thought I didn’t like Clint Eastwood. So how come I liked this movie so much?

1993 – Schindler’s List. Great movie but I can never (Aaack! That’ll leave a mark!) think of it without picturing Jerry Seinfeld and his girlfriend making out in the theater.

1994 – Forrest Gump. Run, Forrest, run! As far away from the dentist’s office as you can!

1995 – Braveheart. Not feeling very brave right now.

1996 – The English Patient. I always get the sense that I’m the only person under the age of 70 who actually liked this movie.

1997 – Titanic. Never saw it. Never will. “And Iiiiiy-iiiiiiiy-iiiii am in lots of pain!”

1998 – Shakespeare in Love. Great movie. So was Saving Private Ryan. But I like Shakespeare in Love more. So there!

1999 – American Beauty. Same year as American Pie. Tough to get those two confused.

2000 – Gladiator. Can’t help but think, “Joey, do you like movies about Gladiators?”

2001 – A Beautiful Mind. Two years in a row for Russell Crowe! Who’d of thunk a movie about a mathematician could be (Gaaaaaahhh!!! Seriously??? I thought you already got that tooth!) so fascinating.

2002 – Chicago. It was entertaining, but Best Picture? Really, people? Really?

2003 – Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. This cleaning is starting to feel as long as the entire trilogy.

2004 – Million Dollar Baby. Clint Eastwood again. I thought I didn’t like him, but he keeps on proving me wrong.

2005 – Crash. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

2006 – The Departed. Far from Scorsese’s best, but at least he finally got the damn thing.

2007 – No Country for Old Men. Far from the Coen Brother’s best, but at least they finally got the damn thing.

2008 – Slumdog Millionaire. I remember that advanced screening I got to go to with Danny Boyle taking questions afterwards. That was a cool (Aaaahhhh! Be done already, you vile woman!) experience.

2009 – The Hurt Locker. No movie title could possibly describe my mouth better right now than this one.

2010 – The King’s Speech. Another one I haven’t seen. Maybe I’ll skip my next dental cleaning and watch this movie instead.

2011 – The Artist. A silent movie winning Best Picture in 2011!!!! Can it get any cooler than that???

2012 – Argo. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggooooo!

And suddenly I ran out of years, but the hygienist still had two teeth left to work on. Crap! I had nothing to distract me from the next 90 seconds of pain and misery. Well, maybe if I start memorizing Golden Globe winners I’ll be ready for my next cleaning.

I May Be Out of Touch, But I Still Have a Top Ten List

Yesterday a friend of mine posted a list of his top ten favorite albums of 2012. (It can be found here, if you would like to peruse it: http://lengutman.com/2012/12/12/lens-top-10-albums-of-2012.) I looked at the list and it was just a little bit like reading a foreign language. I knew none of the albums and only heard of five of the artists. Then I thought about what my top ten albums of 2012 might be and I realized that I could only name two albums that came out this year, which would make my top ten list very short. Somewhere along the line I became really, really out of touch.

But just because I only got two new albums this year doesn’t mean 2012 was devoid of music for me. So, since I’m eight albums short of a top ten albums list, I will instead offer this list of my Top 10 Music-Related Moments of 2012. (And I’ll go backwards for dramatic effect.)

10- Red Hot Chili Peppers Concert – My wife gave me one of the best birthday presents I ever received when she handed me a ticket to see the Chili Peppers, a band I’ve always wanted to see but just never got around to. The show was great, but it did raise two important questions: 1) Why does Anthony Kiedis bother putting on a shirt when you know it’s coming off anyway? 2) Since when did Will Ferrell get a gig as a drummer?

9- Wrecking Ball by Bruce Springsteen – This is one of the two albums I got this year. I love the first track, “We Take Care of Our Own,” and I really like the last track, “We Are Alive,” but I’m not quite sure what to make of everything that happens in the middle. It seems to depend on the day that I listen to it and/or what I had for dinner that night. Weird.

8- My son the Rush fan – (I posted this on Facebook, so my apologies to those who have already read this.) In school last week, my son’s Kindergarten teacher said to the class, "After recess we are going to see a band." This prompted my son to yell out, "I hope it's Rush!" She said, "No, it's just the school band." He’s definitely learning more at home than at school.

7- They Might Be Giants Concert – One of my favorite bands from the early 90’s, I had somehow never managed to see them live…that is until I saw them at the Marquee Theatre in Tempe in January of this year. They were very good, but I didn’t know many of the songs since the last new album of theirs that I purchased was back in 1996. (See—out of touch.) The highlight of the show by far was when they did covers of “Crazy Train” and “Paranoid” using sock puppets. (And no, I’m not making that up.)

6- My last dental cleaning – I’m not a fan of sharp instruments moving around in my mouth accompanied by high-pitched drilling sounds. At my last dental cleaning, when the hygienist was hitting a nerve near my back molar, I put every ounce of brain power into focusing on the music they were piping into the room. All I can say is thank you REO Speedwagon for providing me with the song “Can’t Fight This Feeling” in my time of need.

5- Rush Concert – I could write a lot about this concert…oh wait—I already did. You can read my previous blog entry for details.

4- Rush elected to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame – Fourteen years after their initial eligibility, Rush finally made it to the Hall. Although I’m not actually in the band, it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. The day I found out I got the best night’s sleep of my life. (Don’t worry, it’s okay if you think I’m pathetic right now.)

3- Kazoos – I made the mistake of getting my kids kazoos when I went on a business trip to Nashville. They played them a lot after I first gave it to them. The most amazing sound in the world is the glorious silence after they put them down.

2- Bruce Springsteen Concert – I’ve seen him twice before and I had not originally planned to see him on this tour, but then a friend had an extra ticket and he generously offered it to me. Boy, am I glad I took him up on the offer. Bruce put on an amazing show for three solid hours and while I watched this man who is 20 years older than me run around the stage, jump into the audience and crowd-surf, I realized that if I attempted to expend that kind of energy I’d be dead inside of six minutes.

1- Clockwork Angels by Rush – You may have figured out by now that I’m a Rush fan. (If you haven’t figured that out, you may want to take some basic reading comprehension classes at your local community college.) This is their best album in a good 20 years. It has a great variety of heavy, musically complex epic songs and more straightforward ballads. It’s quite possible that even if you’re not a Rush fan, you might like this album, but of course, I can’t be objective on that score. I’m not sure what else to say about it, other than, this album makes my ears very happy.

So there you have it; my 2012 musical top ten. I'm not sure what 2013 has in store, but I can guarantee one thing...the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony will be very high on my list. (And no, that has nothing to do with Public Enemy.)