A week from today I have a very important life decision to
make. Do I miss the “Big Game” for the first time in my entire life because it
features two teams that I do NOT want to win, or do I watch it anyway, simply
for the cultural significance? (Note: By “Big Game” I actually mean “Super Bowl,”
but I’ve noticed that apparently nobody is legally allowed to refer to it as
the Super Bowl except for the NFL, so every advertiser, radio station,
supermarket, and car wash refers to it as the “Big Game,” so as not to risk the
wrath of Roger Goodell and his legal hounds of hell. Of course, I already
mentioned the phrase “Super Bowl” twice in the last sentence, so I guess the
cat’s out of the bag and I’ll keep on referring to it that way for the rest of
this blog post, despite the fact that my arrest is now imminent.)
There have been occasions when I have rooted for Tom Brady and the New England Patriots in the past, but those days are long gone. At this point I have grown sick of him and his winning ways, and his smug smile, and his Hollywood good looks, and his avocado ice cream. Fine, I’ll admit that he’s the GOAT, but I want that GOAT sacrificed already! I have no interest in seeing him and his merry band of Patriots win yet another Super Bowl.
Then there’s their opponent, the Philadelphia Eagles, who at first glance might seem like the obvious choice to root for, as they are big underdogs with their backup quarterback, Nick Foles, having to make the start for the injured Carson Wentz. But here’s the problem—I’m a Dallas Cowboys fan and thus the sworn enemy of the Philadelphia Eagles and the other teams in the NFC East Division that do not have a star on their helmets. I have been conditioned since birth to despise the Eagles with every fiber of my being, and at times have even borrowed fibers from other people’s beings so I can hate them some more. There is simply no way I can root for them to win.
Yet watching the Super Bowl is a tradition for me and the idea of completely missing it for the first time feels just plain wrong. So what am I to do? Do I just watch the commercials and turn it off during the actual game? Do I slide in a video of Super Bowl XXX, when the Cowboys gloriously beat the Steelers 27-17 and watch that instead? Do I watch the game anyway, despite despising both teams, and root for the Goodyear Blimp to crash onto the field and end the game early? Or do I just watch a Three Stooges marathon instead, so I get to see an entirely different brand of violence for four straight hours?
These are the options I will be pondering for the next seven days. In the meantime, I’ll start stocking up on junk food just to play it safe.
There have been occasions when I have rooted for Tom Brady and the New England Patriots in the past, but those days are long gone. At this point I have grown sick of him and his winning ways, and his smug smile, and his Hollywood good looks, and his avocado ice cream. Fine, I’ll admit that he’s the GOAT, but I want that GOAT sacrificed already! I have no interest in seeing him and his merry band of Patriots win yet another Super Bowl.
Then there’s their opponent, the Philadelphia Eagles, who at first glance might seem like the obvious choice to root for, as they are big underdogs with their backup quarterback, Nick Foles, having to make the start for the injured Carson Wentz. But here’s the problem—I’m a Dallas Cowboys fan and thus the sworn enemy of the Philadelphia Eagles and the other teams in the NFC East Division that do not have a star on their helmets. I have been conditioned since birth to despise the Eagles with every fiber of my being, and at times have even borrowed fibers from other people’s beings so I can hate them some more. There is simply no way I can root for them to win.
Yet watching the Super Bowl is a tradition for me and the idea of completely missing it for the first time feels just plain wrong. So what am I to do? Do I just watch the commercials and turn it off during the actual game? Do I slide in a video of Super Bowl XXX, when the Cowboys gloriously beat the Steelers 27-17 and watch that instead? Do I watch the game anyway, despite despising both teams, and root for the Goodyear Blimp to crash onto the field and end the game early? Or do I just watch a Three Stooges marathon instead, so I get to see an entirely different brand of violence for four straight hours?
These are the options I will be pondering for the next seven days. In the meantime, I’ll start stocking up on junk food just to play it safe.
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