Earlier this week I had to do a treadmill stress test at my cardiologist’s office. I was terrified. Not because I feared the results of the test, but because I feared the exercise. I’m out of shape…badly. And with a stress test comes the high likelihood of embarrassing myself in front of the cardiology tech, pulling a hammy, or probably, both. How did I get here? At 55, I’m no spring chicken, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be able to keep up with a treadmill for ten minutes. Back in the 1990s, when I lived and worked in Manhattan, I walked constantly. My apartment was about 1.3 miles from my office and I made that walk twice a day, every day. Unless it was raining…or snowing…or really cold…or I was hungover. Okay, so maybe not every day, but probably a good 70% of the days. Of course, not weekends or holidays, but I think you get my point. I walked a lot back then, and not just to and from work. There is so much to do in Manhattan and oftentimes it was just faster to walk somewhere than to take a bus, train, or cab. (Hi Gen Z-ers: A “cab” is like an Uber, only instead of getting it by pushing buttons on your wireless telephone, you get it by waving your arms frantically in the air and then pushing other people out of the way to get in.)
So, in my early to mid-twenties, while living in New York, I was in great aerobic shape, without ever having to intentionally exercise. Then, when I was 25, I moved to Arizona. You would think, given the constant sunshine, natural beauty, and ubiquitous hiking trails, I would get into even better shape once I moved out here. You would be wrong. I arrived in Arizona on July 11, 1995. It was 104 degrees that day. I found a really well air-conditioned apartment to rent and stayed inside…for the next three months. Whatever level of fitness I brought with me from New York had dwindled to nothingness. But my TV got quite a workout.
Eventually, after I cooled down, I met some people out here and went hiking from time to time. But these intermittent adventures occurred infrequently and would hardly be considered an exercise routine. I continued to fall into aerobic decline until, surprisingly, my late 30s, when a major life event forced me to exercise whether I wanted to or not. There was now a toddler in my house! No, he didn’t get in by accident through a vent—he actually belonged to me and my wife and was supposed to be there. And eventually, another one came along. And while “chasing toddlers around with wild abandon” may not be a well-known exercise routine like say, Pilates or Calisthenics, trust me when I tell you that doing that for two hours a day will improve your aerobic stamina in a hurry.
But here’s the interesting thing about toddlers that nobody tells you—they eventually grow up and don’t need you to run around with so much anymore because they get something called “friends” that they do that with instead. Now, of course, my toddlers are teens and even if I wanted to run around with them, there would be no possible way for me to keep up. And so, I haven’t really exercised that much in over a decade. Mostly, I still give the TV a good workout.
This brings me back to my recent treadmill stress test. A test that gave me stress just thinking about it. I warned the tech beforehand that I am very out of shape and I wasn’t sure how long I would be able to last. She looked at me skeptically. The thing is, I’m quite thin, so people assume that means I’m athletic. I am not. That’s just my body type. In fact, after the tech gave me the skeptical eye, I told her, “I know to look at me, you would think that I’m in incredible shape, but nothing could be further from the truth.” She giggled and told me to get on the treadmill.
The first three minutes were fine. The treadmill was going at a comfortable walking pace that I could keep up with. I mean, it’s not like I never walk. I don’t want to give you the impression that I have hired someone to carry me around from Point A to Point B. I walk all the time—from my house to my car, from my car to my office, from my bed to my couch, etc. There is some walking, though not much.
After three minutes, the tech pushed a button that increased both the speed and steepness of the treadmill. My casual walk suddenly got more challenging. I could still keep up, but had to make a significant effort to do so. The last time I walked this fast was in March of 2020 when I was trying to beat an octogenarian to the last package of toilet paper at Target. (She won.)
As I huffed and puffed along on the treadmill, I glanced over at the monitor that showed my heartrate. I was at 112. Crap. The goal was to get me to 165, so I knew she was going to have to push that button again. And sure enough, at the 6-minute mark she did. The pace and steepness increased and I was now running with the wild abandon of my long-ago toddlers. All I could think of was George Jetson yelling, “Jane, stop this crazy thing!”
I think at this point I might have been making some strange sounds, because the tech looked at me and said, “How are you doing over there?”
“Naaaahttt…greaaatt,” I gasped. “Ayyy caaaaan baaarely keeeeep up.”
“Do you think you’d be okay if I pressed the button one more time?” She asked, in a way that didn’t sound at all sadistic.
“Noooo waaaay,” I wheezed. “Neeed tooooo staaaahp.”
“Do you think you can make it to ten minutes?” She asked, with 9 minutes and 40 seconds on the timer.
“Ohhhkaaay. Fiiiine. Ahhllll dooo iiiit,” I panted. At this point I was holding on to the treadmill rails for dear life with my feet desperately flailing a good three feet behind my hunched head. The last 20 seconds felt like 20 minutes, as I used every ounce of will power I could muster to not let go of the machine and go hurtling into the exam room wall behind me.
When she finally slowed down the machine, my heartrate had reached a peak of 153. While the tech seemed mildly disappointed that I hadn’t reached the goal of 165, I was mildly ecstatic that I was still alive. I sat down on the nearby bench to catch my breath, while the tech finished up her paperwork. My lungs were on fire and my legs felt like they were trapped in an industrial-sized panini press.
When I had finally recovered enough to leave, I staggered to my car, shakily opened the door and plopped down in the driver’s seat with a heavy sigh. After just 10 minutes of exercise, I was completely spent. While I wasn’t surprised, I was frustrated. How did I let this happen? Why did I ignore my own fitness? What was stopping me from getting back into New York walking shape? Or at least, toddler chasing shape? As I drove home I resolved to start an exercise routine.
When I pulled into my driveway, I immediately walked all the way from my car to the living room and sat down on my couch. Thoughts of exercise could wait until tomorrow. The TV needed a workout.